There's No Place Like Homeless

I hate to be the guy who has to point out the obvious but it looks like it is going to be me again. I have been driving around a lot in my 8 years in Vancouver and I have finally had enough.

Enough of what you ask?

The traffic?

Nope, although annoying, that is not it.

The rain?

Although wet, and nothing like snow in the winter, which I miss, is not it either.

What is it then?

It is those "homeless" people that show up on all major intersections around the Vancouver/Burnaby boundary. I don't mean the full out, wicked homeless people. Not the people that look like they have been ran over by a garbage truck. I mean the people that look freshly homeless, heck, they might not even be homeless yet but are just preparing for it. They stand around with the cardboard sign that says "No Work, No Money, No Home, Please Help". I have a problem with them.

This is not mean spirited. This, like with the lady in the gym, is supposed to help. This is going to be a step by step on how to get yourself back on your feet.

1. Get a real haircut. I know that jobs are hard to come by but you don't look very employable with the middle of your head shaved and the rest long around either side, like a reverse mohawk. That look has to go. But you are saying haircuts cost money and you don't have any. First of all, where did you get the bad haircut from in the first place because I know it doesn't grow in like that. Second, find a rusty pair of scissors or a razor blade and clean that mess up. Go with a haircut you can set your watch by. Trust me, it won't be perfect but at least better than what you got going on.

2. Try harder. Anyone can stand there with a sign. Kudos on the neat printing in the block letters but you need to provide more. Take a hint from the squeegee kids. Those guys are proactive and real go getters. They have drive and a vision. I bet they do better than you "stinky statue".

3. Lose the dog. I mean come on, that is just cruel for the dog. I am waiting for the day for someone to pull over, run into the median, and grab your dog and take it to a better place. You have enough fleas for both of you and there is no sense in giving them to the dog. Also, if you are really broke and really need food why the hell would you split it with the dog. Hell, eat the dog if you need to.

4. Quit damning the man. As you can see this has gotten you nothing but homeless. It is time to take a less aggressive approach with the "man". Maybe if you treated the man a little bit better then that job at Burger King might have really worked out.

5. Get off the reefer. This is doing nothing for you and will continue to do nothing for you. You look burnt out, you smell burnt out, and it only make you more hungry and that is the last thing you need since you are low on food already.

OK, those are five easy step to turning your life around. I can not help you with everything but a bath might help, maybe non-army style boots wouldn't hurt, and put your pride in your pocket. Things can only go up when you are on the bottom floor.

Well, except if you start giving hand jobs for crack or something worse, then you entered the underground parking garage and it is very easy to get lost down there.

The Death of Creativity

It has now been 5 day since my last post and I feel that I am starting to draw a blank on what I will write about next.

I thought at first that once I had a blog the world would be my oyster and I will have hundreds of avid readers begging for the next post. I would have to write a book because that is what the fans will be clamoring for, and then riches would come pouring in. I would meet Oprah, maybe an appearance on Leno and then at the top of my game, Late Night with Conan O'Brien.

Alas no, as I sit here with maybe eight faithful readers, squirming in a crappy chair in our computer lab with nothing to write about. I have, what the experts call, writers block.

But has the world not come to this place as well? Have we not come to a global writers block? Has every thought been had already?

I have began to wonder if that might not be true. Everything we watch has been done before and this is very evident in Hollywood where every movie is a re-make or a sequel or a 70's TV show. This can not be true - creativity can not be dead - but it looks more and more that way.

When we were kids we didn't have a thousand TV channels and really had to come up with things to do on our own. I spent days in the yard, especially in the sandbox dreaming of every game I could, every scenario I could, and every way to bury ants and watch them dig free I could, and that was bliss to me. That was my childhood utopia.

Then the world took the need to have an imagination away. The world gave us more and more TV, better videogames and consoles, and then kids no longer had the fend for themselves. Kids no longer needed an imagination because TV took them everywhere. Then those kids become the young executives of today putting bad crap on TV with no invention, no unique qualities, no creativity, and those that try are cancelled quickly because they can not find an audience.

And today we suffer for it...

Reality TV, FOX News, endless sequels, movie remakes, and the dreaded bio-pictures. Rarely does something come out that has true creativity. And then I sit here...

I have nothing to write about. I am empty and can not think of something unique of my own to write in my blog. I can only hope that the future is better, that my mind will break free of this torment, that I will again have a thought of my own but until then...

Did any one watch "Fear Factor" yesterday?

And on the 27th Day He Created Napster

All right, he probably didn't create Napster, or for that matter, any of the other music downloading programs out there. Somebody did, and I would like to give them a big handshake, or hug, depending on how comfortable they are with that, because these services have saved the music industry.

So what did Napster do?

What magic formula did it uncover?

I remember back in the day when I would sit and watch MuchMusic or listen to the radio and here some great songs. Back then you have to go to the store and buy the album only to find out that the rest of what they call turns out to be crap. I have just spent $15 on one song for a band or artist that deserved about as much attention as bad hair cut on a pedestrian. Sure we give a look, maybe a snicker or quick comment, but that hair did not need our investment. Yes, it did get some attention but it needs to disapear as quickly as it appears.

This is true of a lot of music these days and Napster gave people to option to ignore the rest of the bad hair cut and focus on what they like. In a way Napster is the most patriotic software ever developed. Napster gave people back what they had been missing since the early 80's, since Michael Jackson's Thiller or The Clash's London Calling, their freedom.

It forced artists to make good albums. The reason why album sales dropped off was because a lot of artists were creating great commercial hits followed by nine to twelve songs of fertilizer. So here we are in 2005 and we are finaly starting to see the emergence of some great, start to finsh albums, and those artists are having no problem selling millions of copies. A band like Greenday and artists like Usher still seem to be doing pretty good and are bigger than ever with the release of their great albums, not just songs.

Now one hit wonders have always existed and will always exist. There will be no stopping that from happening. One hit wonders make the world go around, but it is great albums that can bring balance back to our lives. For the past 6 years we have been having to create our own CD's. Sure we have been making mix tapes forever, I used to pack a tape around with me, but Napster gave us something we never had.

A group of friends that owned every album on earth.

A mix tape with no filler songs, no songs we thought were ok, and dreaming of the songs that we always wanted. We now had mix tapes with all of our favorite songs without wasting time and money on full albums that were useless outside of that one hit.

I alone have bought too many of these albums and could not even tell you the proper name of them other than the song I bought it for. Albums I would have not bought if Napster could have existed a little bit earlier.


Semisonic - the album with "Closing Time" on it, great song on an otherwise lame album


White Town - the album with "Your Woman" on it, good song surrounded by chucks of crap


The Verve Pipe - "Freshman" was a huge hit, too bad the rest of the album caused small animals to fall over a die

and many many more.

These bands made way more money than they deserved to. They should have been Napster fodder, they should have sold 7 albums each, they should count their lucky stars. Napster has done one great thing. It has made musicians have to be good at their job. It is weird that everybody else had to be good at everything about there jobs before or they good fired. Hmmm, how do you like them apples Primitive Radio Gods?

The Hierarchy of the Scale

There have been some great comments posted in regards to the Ni-Jerk scale which I discussed and it highlighted the points which I felt I could not truly illustrate within the text of the first article without creating something much too long and I would lose focus on the scale. Let me take a closer look at some of the finer points.

Being a Jerk:

This is a bigger definition than just how you treat people but also applies to how you deal with adversity.

Are you going to take it lying down?

Are you too nice?

You have to have some jerk in you in order to succeed. People can be nice and pleasant people to talk to but that doesn't mean they are going to let you walk past them for that promotion, the girl, or the spotlight. Being a jerk, as define in the context of this article alone, is that competitive drive and how far would you go to wipe out everyone else around you to get what you want.

In the big game you would not let that other team score just because they are friendly, and in that you are being a jerk to them. The 100% nice people would let them score, let them win, but any amount of jerk in you would play defense.

That is why 100% nice people rarely exist. Not everyone in the "Marker One" group is 100% nice all the time, they are the 81%-100% group, creating a range, a hierarchy within that group as well.

The Hierarchy of the Scale:

Each group can have a Ni-Jerk scale built within it as well. The group which seems to be garnering the most discussion is the "Marker One" group, and rightfully so. Now imagine this group is together playing Magic: The Gathering or D&D, there will still be a range of the nice to jerk within this one group. It is a hierarchy from the one who believes they are the coolest to the one that is the quietest among the group and is pick-up upon by the other M-Ones. One the Jerk end of the mini scale you will probably have the the most vocal, the leader, and the person that will usually end up being the dungeon master.

On the other end of the scale you have the quiet, nice, observant one who would want to unnoticed even within their group of peers. This person usually picks a thief character, a character useful but not expected to do big things. It is a metaphor of how they view themselves.

The key of people being in this group is that when you expose them to an environment filled with all the other "M" groups, they will fall into their larger subgroup, of M-One. Also true if you take the biggest jerk of the M-One group and put them alone with a whole bunch of M-Twos. They are going to now be the quiet ones trying to not be noticed, trying to slink away, and will only act when they are truly called upon. The key with the scale is that once a group is exposed to the whole they will take the general characteristics of their defined scale point.

Mob Rule:

There is power in numbers and it can affect where people will fall on the scale. Even M-ones can appear to be bigger jerks than they actually are when the have a group to back them up. This is the rule on which the Jock, the M-Four group, survive. It is the power of numbers and in large enough groups it appears that everyone moves up a notch on the scale. The other important piece to this is the higher on the Ni-Jerk scale you are, the more numbers you need to be a jerk. A 'M-One' alone will go unnoticed but even is a group as large as 4 people they may still be toppled be a single M-Four. On the other hand if you have 10 M-Ones gathered in one place you can be sure that no M-Four will go near that group, out of either fear or smarts, but they know where the breaking point is.

Wolf in Sheeps Clothing:

The advantage of being higher on the scale in that you possess an ability to adapt the different environments and groups. It is not that hard for a M-Four to pass themselves off as a M-Two, especially if they are the only M-Four around. They are the wolf in sheeps clothing and this can serve them in many ways, especially academically. They are easily expose when cornered though. This is the case where you think you have run into a jerk M-One or M-Two but it is much more likely that it is a higher level jerk masquerading as an M-One.

Why Do Nice Guys Finish Last?:

This only applies to the 100% nice guys. Guys that are M-Ones and can not adapt themselves out of that group. This is a very small portion of the population. This goes back to the first chapter, that people are rarely 100% nice all the time. People that are like this will also finish last because they never take control and never stand up for themselves. They are constantly ran over, looked over, passed over, and will not do anything about it because, they are what we call in the business, too nice. They finish last in all aspects of life, looked over in love or have their true love stolen from them, have their good ideas stolen and used for someone else's promotion, and will be crowded out at social events, left to leave out the back door. Over the years, especially after the highschool years, people in the this group will grow more confident and move up the scale to have great success.

You Don't Wear Concrete Shoes:

You are never relegated to one part of the scale and are free to move around. It can be a question of nature versus nurture in this case but ultimately you have a choice where you would like to be. The most famous example of this is Bill Gates. This guy screams M-One and looks like he has been pushed around a few times but look at him now. Based on how he runs business he is probably high end scale M-Four. He is confident is not afraid to push people around. You do not get to have a monopoly as long as he did without pushing a few people around, without being a jerk.

Making the change in scale is a very tough one though and does take time. You can not decide one day to go from an M-One to an M-Four, as you will have to reinvent your attitudes your image to be part of that group. The transition can also move in both directions as M-Fives can realize one day what a jerk they have been and try to move down the scale, but again it takes a lot time since a lot of trust have been lost. That is why the easiest time to make a transition in the scale is the move from high school to university, where you have an entirely new social scale to climb and grow with.


These Are Not Clubhouses:

Now all of the groups definitely feel more comfortable around people in the same M-Group but that does not mean that everyone you know, and are friends with, are from the same group. Yes, jocks and will tend to group together with other jocks and nerd with other nerds, but that doesn't mean they do not have friends in other groups. It will ultimately be to ones advantage to have friends in all five of the groups.

Skeletons:

In the end you do fall on one part of the scale and you have probably learned to fit in with other groups on the scale but you will never truly lose what you were when you grow up. Parts of that old personality will also come out be part of your new personality. The number of parts of the scale you understand the greater in life you will be. You will have more success, more love, more fun. It is those people who finish first. The ones who understand all of the groups on the scale, know when to push, know when to be pushed, and know how to take advantage of all the M-Groups.

The Ni-Jerk Scale

I thought today might be a good day to cover a topic that is close to my heart.

And that sentence was my official link to Valentines Day. Get it? Heart? Valentines Day? Huh? Anyways...

I have studied the topic of nice guys and jerks for almost 27 years and worked with both control groups and different environments to prove all of these theories. I have interviewed experts in the both the fields of being nice and being a total jerk. I am sure other studies have been done in other parts of the world but I am positive that these results are universal.

The first result of my research is that the scale between nice and jerk is variable depending on the environment and can have a range in between. No one person is 100% nice all the time and no one person in 100% jerk all the time. That brings me to the major findings of my study. The "Ni-Jerk Scale". It is a line from Nice to Jerk that holds every category of man. I will describe each of these points.

On the extreme end of the nice scale, let us say the "One Marker", sits the geek, nerd, poindexter trifecta. These are the quiet types, the ones with all the smarts. They can usually lack social skills in "normal" environments but are great problem solvers. Trademarks of this social group are lively "D&D" all nighters, Star Trek marathons, glasses mandatory, excel at the sciences, and usually have had one of two upbringings; highly religious or alcoholic parents, sometimes a combination of both. The highest recognized achievement for this group is typically the Scripps-Howard Spelling Bee Champion.

At the "Two Marker" sits what I call the "timids", or also known as the "quiet bunch". They are usually more socially aware than the previous group but do tend to bunch together. It is not uncommon for timids to be seen lingering in higher social networks with jerks because of their need to want to be recognized. This group is easily taken advantage of because of this. Timids are usually seen in groups near other social groups, usually in the cafeteria, but will be seen at other major functions, like school dances, but almost always tucked away in a corner. Other traits include; love of engineering with some pushing towards computer science, usually part of school teams such as debate, mathletes, or quiz bowl. Timids will also be a large portion of the school band in order to be close to the higher social circles during sporting events. Timids do have have a tendency to treat the geeks poorly so they can show at least some social standing hench their move up the Ni-Jerk scale. Timids that have had the most success infiltrating the higher groups are usually the most successful people when they leave school and head out on their own.

At then the "Three Marker", the "metal shoppers", "art house gangs", the "drama club", or sometimes called the "beatnicks" or the "greasers". This group almost has less social clout than the timids but do not try and tell them that. This group is very high on themselves and think that they are in fact the cool gang in town. They try and look down on every group but lack the physical strength to be a true jerk. They are of two breeds - The Metal Shop Boys and the Drama Club and have some of the same traits. They both look down on those who do not share the same knowledge of their craft, they usually smoke in large groups and coffee is popular with both but Metals usually have Tim's coffee in the morning to get started while Drama's usually have early afternoon Starbucks to be social. The problem with this group is that the two factions do more battle with each other than other groups so their jerkiness is usually limited inside of this group.

Up the scale to the "Four Marker". This is the Jock, Cheerleader, Silverspoon group. This group is also seen as being the most popular group. A lot of the time this group is mistaken for the extreme. They only seem that way when they function as a unit. The Jock, Cheerleader, or a Silverspoon are actually very harmless on their own, and in all honesty, can be very nice as they realize they are vulnerable when alone. This is how a lot of "timids" will work there way into this group. As a group they can be deadly and vicious. They feed off of each other and attack weak prey like hyenas, which may include members of their own group if others are not around. They also tend to assume the form of the rest of the group. Trademark traits usually include clothes of similar style and price range, high traffic hang out areas to maximize their target base, usually travel in groups no less than four, and are at all high profile events. As this group breaks away from their early social groups they will usually fall into "nicer" categories in order to conform. This group is governed by popularity, not only toward outside groups, but also has the greatest hierarchy within it compared to other groups.

Now the other extreme end, the ultimate jerk. The are usually very rare are only occur in about one out of every 500 students. This is the jock with no education and no social skills. They are the ying to the geek yang, the opposite. They usually find home with other jocks but are the first to fall out of contact because they treat everyone poorly. Trademarks of this group are usually; single child, either overly spoiled or completely unnoticed children, typically good looking but with one odd feature like a sixth toe, third nipple, or enormous amounts of body odor, jock, always makes fun of the weakest in the class, usually has 3-4 girls in tow, and they are usually a few grades younger than he, and currently still lives where you grew up and works for either a gas station, local pub bouncer, or the lumber mill. He turned out to be a real winner.

So you can see that the 100% nice guys will indeed finish last, for one, because they have no balls to try and be the number one guy at anything they do, but jerks also finish last. You have to find that happy medium. Each division of groups with also have a mini Ni-Jerk hierachy within it but the division is more subtle. Be a jerk sometimes because that is what makes the world go round, and sometimes it feels good to put people down, but don't forget to be nice too, because one day that "timid" might be your boss.

Subway Vs. Quiznos

The age old debate of the two great sandwich makers. Which one should you go to, why is one better than the other. I have decided to sit down and give you a fair and balance looked at both chains and then let you decide for yourself which is your place to be.

First, some stats:

Subway has:
Over 22,500 locations in over 80 Countries
Founded in 1974

Quiznos has:
Over 3500 locations in 15 Countries
Founded in 1981

Now on to the debate:

Subway: Your choice of bread to start creating your sandwich
Quiznos: Better pick the sandwich because you do not have a choice on bread - trust me - don't try and substitute.

Subway: Lots of nice, soft, easy to digest breads usually fresh from the oven
Quiznos: A fine selection of wood loafs - I suggest the birch

Subway: Your choice of being toasted
Quiznos: Must be toasted. Have you ever tried to eat uncooked lumber? That is why it is mandatory toasting.

Subway: Your choice of sandwich meats
Quiznos: Your choice of sandwich meats - they did pretty good here

Subway: Your choice of toppings
Quiznos: The toppings nazis are usually very nice when they say no

Subway: Usually great fresh vegetables to add to the sandwich
Quiznos: Nothing like toasted lettuce, at least it hides the brown spots

Subway: Your choice of sauce to accent the perfect sub
Quiznos: I hope you like tangy because there is lots to go around

Subway: Would you like salt or pepper?
Quiznos: Do you want a pickled Jalepeno on the side or on the side?

Subway: Pretty good cookies
Quiznos: Awesome monster cookies - I will give them that

Subway: Advertising includes Jared Fogel - yikes
Quiznos: Advertising includes Don Cherry - way better but almost lost this one because of Tie Domi.

Subway: About $8-$10 per meal
Quiznos: Anywhere between $20-$30 per sandwich. I could at least do without the kick in the crotch from the aforementioned toppings nazis

OK, the tally is in - Subway wins 8-2-1. As you can see I have been fair and biased and it looks like Subway is the champ.

Sorry Quiznos lovers the numbers speak for themselves.

This is a great card to some up the feelings of Valentines Day for most of the population.

Please Read the Fine Print

I am sure that we have all noticed that small print on bottom of every TV commercial. Those restrictions, guidelines, and scientific information that companies put there becuase they are afraid of being sued or have to pay out something they meant as a joke.

The best example of that was Pepsi points and the Harrier Jet incident where a kid, working with a lot of Pepsi, actually collected enough point for the Jet that was advertised in the commercial. From then on fine print has been an institution. The great thing it it really illustrated how simple minded everyone in America can be.

The most famous and famliar fine print slogan is obviously "batteries not included". This was such a great phrase that it was made into a movie. You know that movie with the robot aliens and Jessica Tandy living in the low income housing project that is set to be bull dozed. In the end everyone rises against the evil corporation and the robots become slave labour in the kitchen or something. Not really sure anymore. Anyways, how many kids did they get to go to that movie because of the title and the cute robots and all they got to see was crazy old people. Know wonder I was afraid of my Grandma.

My next favorite, and one that every Canadian is famaliar with was "not available to residents of Quebec". Those poor bastards were left out of every major contest in the country. OK, so maybe that is why every second lotto winner is from PQ, but how many times did they get left out of winning a life supply of Oh Henry bars or seven cases of OxyClean. Wait, I think Oh Henry had a marketing partnership with OxyClean. If you won a life supply of Oh Henry you would no choice but to win the OxyClean package or else face a pimply faced childhood. Some kid wins candy bars then spends thousand on OxyClean. Damn, that's genius.

There are a ton of these and they are all hilrious becuase you know they are there to keep the dumbest of are species alive a well.

American Model Shown - This appears in a car commercial. It is funny that they wouldn't show the classy european model during an American broadcast of the commercial. Even better would be if they showed the British or Australian model so the steering wheel would be on the wrong side of the car and leave all the Amercians truly confused.

Professional Driver on a closed course - Oh really. I thought that a mechanic would always just be strapped to the bottom of my car, you know, just in case. Oh, well maybe that is just on the european model.

Elapsed time "insert number" seconds - You mean my cookies will not just magically super bake in 5 seconds like on TV or I won't be able to soaked up my glass full of water instantly. Oh well, I guess I will have to drink my magic blue liquid.

No Purchase Neccessary - This is just marketing genius. Why don't you just give the contest description and demand that no one actualy goes and buys your product. You would rather have them spend no money so they can win prizes that your company buys and pays for, so you can lose money. I want to believe that some VP lost their job over this nugget but since it is still happening, I would say no.

Helmet must be worn at all times - Can you guess what commercial this was pulled from? Any idea?

Motorcycle? - no way.

Mountain Bikes? - try again.

An old Mountian Dew commercial that is showing lots of extreme sports? - close.

It was for Werther's Original Candy. Appearently you need to wear a helmet in order to enjoy that smooth butterscotch taste. What has the world come to?

In all honesty I think the message is there because a some orphan swiss kids it riding to bike leisurely through the mountains to the town of Werther so he can grab some sugar for the day and watch them make all the candy. What the fine print doesn't tell you is that by the time that kid is 14 he will have diabetes because of the forty pounds of sugar he ate everyday.

Maybe Werther's should take the alcohol fine print, "Please enjoy responsibly", and then all the alcohol industries can take, "helmet must be worn at all times". To me, that make much more sense.

But then we live in a society where McDonald's need to tell everybody that coffee is hot.

My Top 10 + 4 Albums

I was watching Much More Music and they had a show on called the "Best 40 Ablums of the Past 25 Years". Now I can't say I agree or disagree with any of their selections because my muscial palette is definately not refined enough or big enough to debate those albums.

I thought hey, what about me, what would be my Top Ten albums if I had to be stuck on a desert island. I started to go through my collection and came out with 10 + 4. I couldn't really narrow it down from there.

I know other peoples favorites will not be on here but that is the great thing about opinion pieces - I can say whatever I want to you are left writting comments knocking my selection and wonder why I have left certain albums off.

Now I am not a music expert, I have not listened to every underground band in the world. These are the CD's that I own that have logged a lot of airplay for me, bring back certain memories, and mark periods of time in my life.

These are the "Furious 14".CD's that Duncan could not live without.

1. Wyclef Jean - The Carnival - 1997
3 Favorite Tracks: 10) Gone Till November, 5) Bubblegoose, 18) We Trying to Stay Alive

2. Cake - Prolonging the Magic - 1998
3 Favorite Tracks: 11) Let Me Go, 7) Sheep Go To Heaven, 1) Motor

3. Snoop Doggy Dogg - Doggystyle - 1993
3 Favorite Tracks: 9) Who Am I?, 13) Gz and Hustlas, 3) Gin and Juice

4. Everclear - So Much For the Afterglow - 1997
3 Favorite Tracks: 6) Father of Mine, 2) Everything to Everyone, 7) One Hit Wonder

5. Offspring - Smash - 1994
3 Favorite Tracks: 14) Smash, 8) Self Esteem, 4) Gotta Get Away

6. The Killjoys - Starry - 1994
3 Favorite Tracks: 1) Today I Hate Everyone, 5) Dana, 8) Anyday Now

7. Good Riddance - A Comprehensive Guide to Modern Religion - 1996
3 Favorite Tracks: 9) West End Memorial, 13) Come Dancing, 5) Up & Away

8. Less Than Jake - Borders and Boundaries - 2000
3 Favorite Tracks: 13) Last Hour of the Last Day of Work, 7) Gainesville Rock City, 5) Hell Looks a Lot Like L.A.

9. Jamiroquai - Travelling Without Moving - 1995
3 Favorite Tracks: 1) Virtual Insanity, 5) Alright, 12) Spend a Lifetime

10. Tripping Daisy - i am an ELASTIC FIRECRACKER - 1995
3 Favorite Tracks: 7) Trip Along, 3) I Got a Girl, 8) Raindrop

11. Blink 182 - Dude Ranch - 1997
3 Favorite Tracks: 3) Dammit, 11) Josie, 12) A New Hope

12. Bustarhymes - When Disaster Strikes... - 1997
3 Favorite Tracks: 8) Put Your Eyes Where My Hands Can See, 15) Dangerous, 9) There's Not a Problem My Squad Can't Fix

13. Me First and the Gimme Gimmes - Take a Break - 2003
3 Favorite Tracks: 5) Nothing Compares to You, 4) Ain't no Sunshine, 2) Hello

14. Sum 41 - Half Hour of Power - 2000
3 Favorite Tracks: 5) Makes No Difference, 9) It's What Were All About, 8) Second Chance for Max Headroom

And that is my list. I really couldn't think of unique reasons to why I like all of the them other than they are all just awesome. If you have a problem with it - I have a comments box below.

Your God will See You Now

I have always thought about the next life, about passing through to the next world but I am not really sure what I believe. I was always hoping for reincarnation and that way and can come back and do it all again. I guess what I hoped is that I would remember this life and take those lessons forward. I think I would be a much cooler person if I could live a life over again.

Unfortunately, I don't think that is how it works, and besides, what good would it do if I came back as a frog or something. All my life lessons would mean nothing. All of the tough decisions and all the things I learned. At least as a reincarnated frog I would already be used to girls running away from me screaming.

So I have done some research into purgatory and sins and the like just to see how I would do. I feel that I have a decent grasp on it but as always I like to flare it up a bit. Add some colour you might say. If you are religiously sensitive I might stop reading as I have been told that this might be a bit, how do you say, blasphemous.

I have always kind of pictured purgatory to be kind of a religious clinic, much like a medical walk-in clinic. You would walk in and all of the seat are taken except by the old guy that is kind of drooling and smells like Vicks vapo-rub. I guess in purgatory he has a better chance to smell like embalming fluid but that is really up for debate. So I would have a seat and wait for my name to be called.

At first I would just look around the room, reading the posters on the wall. The posters would really promote clean leaving and regular check ups with your priest. There would be a poster right across from me that says, "This is your soul. This is your soul without the Sabbath day", and it would show a soul burning in hell, or something like that, you know, to really scare you. Luckily I take a couple Sabbath days a week so I feel pretty good.

Maybe I take a peek at some of the pamphlets that are sitting in the rack by the door. The pamphlets would be things like, "The Seven Deadly Sins and You", "Coveting and Adultery: There is a Difference", "Honour Your Mother and Father, but Not More than God", and "Sloth: The Slow and Silent Killer". All of these make good reading but I think I will check out the magazine on the coffee table instead.

The Magazines seem to be a little less, well, there is no better way to say it, a little less preachy. I flip through a few to see if there is something I like. There a is a November issue of "10", a January issue of "P.E.G.L.A.G.S.", and at the bottom of the pile is a 1997 issue of "National Geographic". I think sweet, this is not going to be so bad.

Now the thing with purgatory is that you have to wait before God decides if you are allowed to enter the holy land or if you have to take the express elevator to the Brimstone Hotel. You end up in purgatory, so my research tells me, because you have sinned but not really bad sins and you kind of have a chance to make it up. Purgatory is not supposed to be great and I am the first to tell you that I hate waiting, so this is bad enough. From what I understand you also have to pay for the sins you have not been forgiven for and this might involve a little bit of torture. So far I think I am going to be ok, until I see that someone has ripped all the maps out of this "National Geographic". Oh crap.

So like I said, purgatory, in my mind anyway, is like a clinic, so lots of different deities using the same space. It would really help save on rent so they all decided to just share a space. So people of all religions are waiting to see their gods. You just have to sit a wait your turn. Man, there is a lot of people here. I am starting to see a lot of people walk past and disappear down different corridors. When will it be my turn?

So let's fast forward the time a little. I will not make you wait with me. At least the old guy is gone now.

As I sit there the receptionist comes around the corner. "William Letcher!", I nod and she responds, "Please follow me, your God will see you now." I am excited. I am not sure what he is going to look like. I am definitely a little nervous about what is going to happen but I am calmed by the fact that it shouldn't be any worse than a prostate exam.

The receptionist opens the door to a small room, much like a doctor's office. "Please remove your clothes and sit on the table." WHAT! Maybe this is going to be worse than a prostate exam. I start to practice my turn and cough. I strip down and sit with all my clothes on my lap. There is a knock on the door.

Enters a kindly old woman with a grey bun in her hair. She looks at my chart and then walks out of the room. Soon after a cheery man walks in the door and takes a seat beside me. I now have to ask, "Are you God?", and he replies with a simple nod. I can see he is still looking at my chart.

So now I ask, "Who was the old lady?".

God looks up and says, "No one you should worry about."

"But she saw me naked."

"and?"

"and so I would like to know who she is."

"Fine, it was my mother."

"What?"

"I just didn't form out of thin air you know. That is a common misconception."

I nod in understanding. God looks through my chart and is starting to check things off like a grocery list. My nerves are now running crazy now. He looks up at me, shrugs his shoulders and leaves for a few minutes.

He comes back it and gives me a piece of paper. On it is a list of things I need to do before I enter heaven like a doctor would give you a description. He tells me this would had been shorter if I actually would have worshipped him. I smile a nervous laugh and start to read through the list. I also start to wonder why I had to take my clothes off.

To tell you what was on the list would admit to you what sins I have committed so I will not go into detail. Let's just say that all dog's do indeed go to heaven, but that doesn't mean that they have stopped crapping on the lawn.

Anyways, that is my possible purgatory, a big clinic in the sky.

Now if I can just reincarnate.

One can only be so cool

I saw a man the other day who looked like he had it all. He was a cool guy. He oozed everything that was modern day cool. He was bald but face covered in hair. He wore black and had several piercings. You could see tattoos poking out from under his sleeves. He wore dark sunglasses and obviously worked out. All and all he was a good looking rebel. A guy the ladies would drool over.

But something was off. Something wasn't right. Then I realized what it was.

He played the keyboard in the band.

Not the drums, not the bass, or guitar. Not even the piano. He played the electric keyboard.

And with that all his cool that he had built up was now slowly being stripped away.