Caught Shoplifting in Costco

It was like any other Tuesday. Well, not like any other Tuesday, as this Tuesday I was venturing on a trip to Costco in Burnaby after work instead of going home. I had played basketball in the morning so I already had my work out for the day....or so I thought.

I entered into Costco and did the first that I always do. I walked straight to the cafeteria and got some food. I strangely did not get a hot dog and opted for the chicken strips. I wouldn't say it was a mistake but the hot dog is always a better choice. I finished my chicken, each one dipped carefully into sweet n' sour sauce and finished about half the fries. I threw the rest away as I realized that I was in Costco without a cart. So back outside into the rain. I think I managed to find at least the wettest and wobbliest cart. This would be perfect.

Commence the Costco Wander...

I pretty much have the same process each time I walk through Costco. I don't really remember where anything is but know that one side has food, one side has other stuff classified as not food, and then the multimedia in the middle. By the "multimedia" I mean the books, magazines, DVDs, CDs, games, toys, clothes, underwear, and socks.

I usually stay on the non-food side, travelling in a straight line, until I each the furthest corner and then start to weave back and forth through the food stuffs until I am back at the front and the gauntlet of cashier line-ups. That is not to stay that I haven't at least made a detour into the multimedia section. As usual I am disappointed in the over priced DVDs. Alright, distraction and needless spending averted, back on track.

First I grab some laundry detergent from the back end of the non-food section and thus beginning my shopping. As I weave through I the rows I start to pick up the essentials. Essentials like a kilogram of cheese, a huge box of instant oatmeal, a crate of mini pizzas, a flat of water, 2 pounds of lunch meat, a case of yogurt, 4 pounds of trail mix, you know, manageably sized items.

In complete shock I turn the corner at the front and realize that the lines for the cashiers were actually not that long. I should have realized that something wasn't right at that point, but maybe, just maybe, this was my lucky day. I put my items on the cashiers automated-Costco-item-moving-belt-thingy. As the sign says I leave my heavy items in the cart. This means that the detergent and the water get to miss out on all the automated movement action.

At this point there are two Costco employees working this one register. One at the back end helping load my cart and calling out the detergent and the water to the one at the front end. This seems like a smooth system. Bing bang boom and I am on my way.

So I head toward what seems like the strangest and easiest job at any Costco. The job where you hold a pen and take peoples receipts and put a stripe on them. I can't imagine this is fulfilling work but must be easy and mindless enough. I hand the young woman my receipt and expect this transaction to happen as smoothly as normal.

These steps include:

a) I say "hello"
b) They say "hello"
c) I hand them the receipt
d) They take the receipt and give a casual look at the cart not really looking at any thing in the cart
e) They mark the receipt with their sharpie, hand it back, and I am on my way

Except this time something goes wrong.

Something I had never encountered before.

Something I wasn't really expecting.

She looks at the cart and looks at the receipt and then turns to me and says, "Did they give you another receipt?"

Filled with panic and in a stuttery voice I say, "Nope. That's the only one they gave me."

This is when things started to go bad. She looked back and me and said that the water wasn't on the receipt. The precious water, the $6 in water was going to end up putting me in the slammer. I wasn't going down for this water with its fancy Kirkland label. It was time for adrenaline to kick in.

I was only about fifteen feet from the exit. The young Costco employee motioned for a supervisor to come over. I looked around. I was surrounded by employees. I only had one chance and this time my boyish good looks weren't going to get me out of this.

I quickly moved to the opposite side of the cart from the young woman. She asked me to just hold on for a moment. I wasn't about to play this game. I wasn't about to be manhandled by the Costco police. In a moment of panic I did the only thing I could think.

In a flash and with the strength of 3 kindergarten students I pushed my cart into the young woman still holding my receipt and made a break from the door running as fast as I could. The woman had turned and hit the emergency switch and the doors quickly thundered down to the ground as alarms sounded. I looked back and saw that I was about to be surrounded. I took off running like a fullback into the non-food section of Costco.

I was quickly followed. I darted back and forth and more and more employees kept rushing toward me. It was like an episode of Scooby Doo where they run in and out of random doors in a hallway away from the Swamp Monster, except insert the Benny Hill Show theme song.

I was left with only one choice as I was trapped in the aisle. I looked up and I started to climb.

I felt it was my only chance. Like Donkey Kong I reached the top of the rack and started to throw stuff down at the Costco Security. I threw whatever I could get my hand on. Unfortunately I think this was the tissue paper rack and the rolls of toilet paper and paper tower seemed to have little success. It was just a matter of time until...

I snapped back into reality and the supervisor came over to the front and they had to fill out an audit form for the cashier that missed the item and I went with the floor supervisor to a an open till to pay for the water. I wasn't in trouble at all. It really was all anti-climatic as I push my cart out of Costco and into the rain to find my car.

Loading my car I thought to myself that maybe those receipt checkers actually do serve a purpose. Although maybe that girl just didn't know how it was supposed to work.

Looking for Advice?

I have realized over the years that I am to go to guy when it comes to relationship advice, especially for my female friends. I guess it is natural to assume that a youngish, average looking, bald guy with little money and a good sense of humour would dispense only the best and most thoughtful advice. While that logic is flawed and probably not the best way to approach looking for good advice I feel I have come through in the clutch more than a couple times.

Now you are probably asking why should I listen to what Duncan has to tell me about relationships?

The answer is simple and usually two fold:

#1) You are probably drunk and don't know any better
#2) I am probably the only other person in the room

Now given that information you are probably wondering really how good my advice is. Well, if I do say so myself, the advice I offer to my friends, family, and drunken party guests usually has mild to luke-warm success. I mean with that sort of track record I am on the fast track to a syndicated talk show. I am really just one 'same-sex-crush-revealed-on-TV-turning-into-a-murder' away from being the next Jenny Jones. I mean she is Canadian, so I have that already going for me.

So now you are probably asking why all the posturing? Well, that is because I am about to reveal the "ULTIMATE GUIDE TO THE PERFECT MATCH FOR WOMEN". I am not sure how many single women read this but this advice is indispensable. Even if you are in a relationship you can use this guide to decide if the person you are with is the one for you.

So, think of a poorly constructed Cosmo Quiz, and here we go!

#1) Could Duncan take them in a fight?

The answer to this question should be yes. Now before you quickly answer without thinking about it keep the following information in mind:

a) I am about 6'1" and currently about 217 lbs
b) I have ran two half marathons this year so I have good to strong endurance
c) I wear glasses so it is bad form for him to punch me in the face
d) I earned a yellow belt in Judo when I was 12 years old
c) If needed I will strike quickly and repeatedly in the groin

Now that you have that information think about your answer. You should be answering yes and the reasoning is; one, you want him to be intimidated by me so he always knows that treating you wrong could bring down the wrath of Duncan, and two, I always want to feel more manly than anyone you are dating. The second one is more to build my own confidence and as a true friend you obviously think that is important.

#2) Are they a vegetarian?

The answer to this should be no. I really feel I shouldn't have to explain why this is important but in short, meat makes the world go round. Catering to a veggie person is hard and time consuming and really too much work for you and all of your friends. Think of all the BBq's you will no longer get invited to or all the French Quarter Meat Draws you will have to miss. It is really a lose/lose.

The other fact is that vegetarians have a cold or at least the sniffles 320 days of the year. That leaves you with 45 days of booger free kissing. Think about it and the limits that puts on your relationship.

#2b) If they are a vegetarian, do they display any other hippie-like tendencies?

This includes constant pot smoking, constant complaining about how life isn't fair, and general malaise, always trying to wussify the current generation by protecting them against losing and failure, glorifying the hard work and dedication of the squeegee people, and they probably have convinced themselves that tofu is edible. All around this is bad news and signs of a miserable long term relationship.

#3) What is their level of sports enjoyment?

This is a tough balance but you want something in the medium-high range but nothing to either extreme. The people in the high range should also be participating in sports as well as being a couch jockey. If they come home each day and start talking about the the Canucks and/or can actually tolerate listening to David Pratt everyday, you are going to have a problem.

The toughest thing is to find a person that is a multi-dimensional sports fan. In Vancouver this would mean finding someone that actually knows that other sports and teams exist other than hockey and the Canucks. If the person you are with has one or a combination of the following traits you may need to think about heading somewhere else:

a) They think game 2 of the Canucks season is as important to watch as a Playoff game
b) They get visibly upset over losses or overly excited about wins during the first 4 months of the season
c) They feel it is necessary to watch every game that is televised
d) They get upset that the sports ticker has the nerve to show NBA or NFL scores
e) They can't make any plans on Saturday nights until after 10pm
f) If they have ever said something along the lines of "basketball is gay"
g) If, at any time you have been intimate, he has shouted "He Shoots, He Scores"
h) He refers to every person in the Canucks line-up by their nick name

These are all signs of someone who invests way too much time watching and thinking about hockey. I understand that it is our duty as Canadians to understand and enjoy the game but there are other sports in the world.

You probably ask why this is important?

Well, it shows they can embrace different ideas and cultures and learn new things. It also means that you can go out to social events and not have the entire conversation surround just hockey. This is especially awkward around people who don't care. Trust me on this.

Ok - I think this is a good starting point and should give you a good idea whether the person you want to date is going to be worth while. Sure, there are other things that are important, like personal hygiene, religious beliefs, life insurance policies, general appearance, and if they are employed or not. I guess those are also important things and I could write a follow-up article on important questions you should cover on the first date but I don't want to overwhelm you. I just want to make sure we get the basics down first.

So in review:

1) Can Duncan beat them up?
2) Are they a vegetarian or a hippie or think life should be fair?
3) Are they hockey crazy?

oh and 4) Do they play trivia based board games or enjoy games such as Settlers of Catan?

The answer to the fourth question should be yes. This is because board games are a) a staple of cheap weekend entertainment, b) can be played drunk or sober and c) create a great social situation.

If your potential boyfriend hates board games they are probably a social outcast and hate talking to other people or are just dumb and don't want to be embarrassed. Both are not great traits for a long term relationship.

Ok - so now it is four important questions. I know that complicates things a bit but, hey, if you need help, I am here for you.

Now go get 'em tiger!!