A Chance to Meet

I have always found the world of celebrity to be a bit strange and feel that there is no way that they can have a normal life. Even normal conversation would be hilarious because of the fact that they are major stars. Everyone can't really like everyone else but they must run into each other at times. Are they obliged to say hi? Maybe it is just a quick little nod of the head, like a club thing, where you look at each other, nod, both knowing who the other is and how great you are, and then move on.

I have thought about this a bit and I thought it would be great to be a fly on the wall and see how a chance meeting might go. Everybody has to know everybody else somehow. As they say, it is "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon."

The Cast -
Tom Hanks
Catherine Zeta-Jones
Michael Douglas

The Setting -
On the set of the movie "The Terminal"

Time - Friday, about 5:00pm, local time, where ever that is.

A Chance to Meet

By

Duncan McAllister

Catherine: Hi honey, how are you doing today?

Michael: Pretty bored and a little upset.

Catherine: Why is that dear?

Michael: It was just the opening weekend for the "In-Laws" and no one went a saw it. Here I thought the world was clamoring to see me and Albert Brooks together.

Catherine: Don't worry about it honey, I am sure you will bounce back.

Michael: I am really starting to consider that Jewel of the Nile sequel. I mean, man, I had to make that crappy movie with my family to even get an acting job.

Catherine: Well, let me wrap up here and then we with go home and spend a nice romantic evening together.

Michael: Sounds great Cath. You always know how to make me feel better.

Catherine: Let me grab Tom. He has be dying to meet you.

Michael: I really don't want to honey. He is so damn successful it makes me sick and I am a hundred times better looking. It doesn't make sense. I don't understand how he is so great. I could have talked to a damn beachball for 3 hours too.

Catherine: It was a volleyball Michael.

Michael: What ever. It just doesn't make sense. That wasn't freaking Oscar worthy. Try working with Val Kilmer and make him look like he can act. Now that is talent.

Catherine kisses Michael and starts to walk towards the sound stage to the right.

Catherine (while walking away): I was doing some quick math today. Do you realize you will be 87 when Dylan graduates from high school.

Michael (shouting across the set): What? Did you say something?

Catherine disappears around the corner and comes back a few minutes laughing with Tom

Catherine: Michael, this is Tom Hanks, I am working on this movie with him. He is an actor.

Michael: Yes, thank you Cath, I know what Tom Hanks does for a living. Nice to meet you Tom.

Tom: Oh no, the pleasure is all mine. It is great to finally meet the legend. Catherine is always talking about you.

Michael: I hope only good things.

Catherine (giggling): Of course dear.

Tom: Only good things, I can assure you.

Michael: Well, it was great meeting you.

Catherine: Hey Tom, Michael is Kerplunk fan as well.

Tom: Really, well you should come and play some plunk with me and the guys. Peter Scolari, Henry Winkler, and I are always looking for a forth.

Michael: Sounds great. I will get your number from Catherine and give you a call. It has been a pleasure, really we should go though. (reaches out a hand for a shake)

Tom (shaking Michael's hand): Thanks Michael. I will give you a call next week for a plunk match.

Tom kisses Catherine on the cheek.

Tom: See you on Monday Cath.

Catherine: See you then, have a good weekend, say hi to Rita.

Tom: I will. See you later (Walks out of the studio)

Catherine: See that wasn't so bad and now you have someone to play kerplunk with.

Michael (glaring at the door): Why does he have to flaunt all his celebrity friends around like that? What a jerk?

Catherine: You are an idiot. Peter and Henry are hardly celebrities any more. And besides, you can bring Kathleen Turner and Tom Selleck with you if you don't want to go alone. They love Kerplunk.

Michael (frowning): Fine, but I am not playing on his team.

Catherine: You don't have to.

End Scene.

So how weird that was? If it was just everyday people it is a normal conversation but celebrities make it seem weird. I mean, just because they are celebs doesn't mean they can't play kerplunk, or operation, or for that matter, hungry, hungry hippos.

Slow and Steady...

I write this in the general direction of a lady I saw in the gym tonight. Yes, I know, I was actually at the gym so before you question the validity of the comment saying that there was no way I was in the gym let me start by mentioning that I had a witness that I was there.

Now on to the lady in the gym...

Now let's say that this lady has spent a discount rate of $24.99 a month to get a membership at the gym. That is a good deal and it is a nice little gym. There is nothing wrong with going to the gym. Maybe she is trying to keep her New Years resolution. Kudos to her - she maybe is getting to the gym more than me.

Now to the point...

If you are going to the gym you should at least try and break a sweat if you are riding a stationary bike. She rode the bike for a solid 35 minutes but at the break neck speed of about 2 revolutions per minute. I thought I saw a thrill seeking snail on the pedal that looked bored.

Now my proposal...

I have thought of some great home activities that would have her burn as many calories as riding at her current technique and speed at the gym without spending the monthly gym fees.

1. Twiddle your thumbs - not only great cardio and calorie burning but strength building as well. After about a month of this there isn't a pickle jar that stands a chance against you.

2. Nap - Just make sure to shift your sleeping position a few times every half hour to make sure you get a great full body work out. Yawning before and after each workout is also recommended.

3. Knit or Sew - This burns calories as well as improves your hand-eye coordination and when it is all done - bam - sweet cardigan.

4. Flip though a magazine - It will build your biceps, improve hand speed, and is awesome for the trapezoids.

5. Tap your Foot - You can do this while watching TV. Feel the burn in your calves and thighs. Also great for toning the buttocks.

6. Nodding your Head - Not only a communication tool but improves range of motion, strengthens the neck muscle, and in the end can only lead to better posture. If you couple this workout with shaking your head the calorie losing potential is infinite.

I am only trying to help this lady. She spends money every month to do nothing for 30 minutes. She burns more calories walking from her car to the gym door. I beg you to explore my workout alternatives and if you need any other pointers, let me know.

Endorsement

I am a busy man and I have a lot to do in my daily life. I am up early everyday so I can go to Diane's. I need time to go peer in her windows before she goes to work. On Thursday I need to get there even earlier so I have time to go through her trash. I needed a car I could live in, be comfortable, but nondescript so people in her neighbourhood wouldn't think it was suspicious.

Other cars and trucks I tried couldn't provide me with the comfort I needed and in the dull colours that I desired. They were usually too big and stood out against all of the other cars in the area. They all had extra features that cause problems for my early morning stalking like running lights, automatic interior lighting, and the stock stereos usually provided too much base while I listened to my favorite stalking music, The Police.

It needed to be something simple, something easy, something different, something I could follow her around in, and with ample trunk space. It had to be reliable but not expensive.

And that's why I bought a Saturn.

And From the Depths I Rise...

It is hot. Not scorching hot but heat of any kind is not always friendly to a bigger man. The green beast of a truck rumbles along the loosely paved road. The windows are open and the radio sings AM songs of the early 90's and an hourly "quiz for cash" for a chance at a jackpot of $47. There are four of us in the beast, young men, usually jubilant, but quiet now as we have reached the end of the day. Wednesday's were always a long day. We travel in our beast from lawn to lawn, our mowers in tow, grooming the lawns of the summer homes of wealthy Albertan visitors, affectionately called "Gorbies" by all of the local town folk. Ask me what it means and I really do not know but it is a name I have been taught since I was young.
We are headed for the dump. The last stop, save the after work swim at the beach, for a tired crew driving a tired truck.
The truck itself was comic relief. We listen to AM radio, not out of choice, but because that is all this truck can offer us. It is two tone green, darker top and bottom with a lighter strip down the middle. The interior is badly beaten, grass everywhere, dust so think a finger can not lift all the layers. It is a bench in the front and in the back of the cab and clothes and jackets are everywhere. Water bottles, more like jugs, sit in each corner of the beast. The door on the passenger side, at times, would fall open during travel. Needless to say the truck was in a sorry state.
We roll into the dump around 5:30pm, a load of grass clippings in the back. We pass right through the main gates. There is no need to stop, we are there everyday doing the same thing. We twist our way up to the top shelf to dump our evidence of the days work. First we detach the trailer and then back the truck up to the edge of the pit. It is a pretty big pit, not sure how far across and wide, but at least 25 feet deep. Today it looks empty because a large tractor has pushed all the debris to the far end of the pit.
I step out of the cab and guide the driver back to the edge. He grabs a screwdriver, as I said the truck is in rough shape, in order to open the tailgate, making it easier to dump our daily pile. It is a two man job to pop the tailgate. One must pull back on the gate while the other uses to the screwdriver to activate the switch from the side of the truck. On most days, actually everyday before this one, I pull back on the gate and my co-worker, and trusted friend, inserts the screwdriver and lets me know he is ready to pop it open. At that point I get out of the way and with a swift click and open hand smack to the gate, it falls open and we pull out the clippings to deposit them in the pit below. But today was different. Today would be a day that I will never forget.
My friend inserts the screwdriver into the tailgate while I am pulling back and then BAM! The gate flies open. The big problem is that I am pulling on the gate and there is nothing behind me but 25 to 30 feet of open air. I scrambled quickly to hold on the the tailgate but my work gloves are slick with dried grass and overuse. I slip. I think that was the single most frightening moment of my life. It was like to opening scene from Cliffhanger when Stallone loses the grip on the girl and she falls from the mountain. From there on out it was the classic life flashing before your eyes. My brain reeled with thoughts. Thought number 1: Man this is going to....WHAM! Ok, at 30 feet you don't have a lot of time to think.
I hit and I hit hard. Luckily I landed feet first. I guess that only makes sense since I have the reflexes of a cat. Problem is I weigh more than a cat and the rest of my body came crashing down on top of it self. I am winded as I lay in the bottom of the gravel pit. My co-workers yelling down to me seeing if I was ok. I couldn't speak. I just laid there, my mind searching my body for any obvious injury. I think I was OK but I hadn't moved yet. The tractor at the end of the pit continued to move about.
I all of a sudden caught my breathe. I rose quickly from the ground. I was for that moment a magical creature. For those few seconds I had died and been reborn. At that moment I rose from the garbage pit like a Phoenix from the fire. I felt invincible. I ran from the pit to the sound of laughter as I came around the corner back up to the truck. I was OK and I was ready to conquer the rest of the summer. The daily swim was even more joyous that day as I washed the debris from my body. I had survived a great fall and rose from the depths. I realized then that I almost did the unthinkable. I almost died a virgin.

Start Small for Success

So you want to take over the world and you think you have the perfect plan. Well I have one piece of advice for you; Start Small for Success. In short I will illustrate the three 'S's and how they can help you accomplish anything you dream of doing.

Step 1: Start
To accomplish anything you have to start doing something. Now I realize that as kids if we left something long enough it would just end up done. The laundry seemed to fold itself, the dishes would be spotless, and the bed would make itself. I will let you in on a little secret - your Mom did all of those things for you. So plan a start date like, say, today, tomorrow afternoon, in a fortnight, just a timeline so you know how much planning you are going to have to do. Keep in mind the size of the project.
If you want to literally take over the world, tomorrow might not be a good day to start. There would be lots of opposition to that so you may want to plan rebuttals and defenses, hide outs, secret liars...I think I am doing all the planning so I will stop there but keep all of that in mind. As the boyscouts would say, "Be Prepared and Bring Clean Underwear". Well not all scout troops would say the second part but it is a good idea.
You almost have to start twice - start planning and then start executing.

Step 1 A: Start Planning
What do you need for what you want to accomplish? Paper, pencils, nuclear warheads, whiteout, an internet connection, maybe some beer, and most definitely a reliable pizza delivery service. Nothing can solve problems or hold you through all night planning sessions, or what I would like to call it, "The Session", like good pizza. Think about all the roadblocks in your way, competition, money restraints, possibly the government. Think about how to get past those road blocks, write those ideas down. You may need to bring in a partner, employees, henchmen, or maybe a breakaway republic, I suggest former USSR blocks, for some much needed help. There is power in numbers. As they say, "two minds are better than one".

Step 1 B: Start Executing
Now you have all the "ducks in a row", or I guess you could say, have things organized it is time to start executing the plan. But what is step one, how does one start, what is the most important thing? My friends, I have the answer - it is in the second 'S'.

Step 2: Small
Start small my friends. You don't want to waste all of that planning to take over the world with one big blast and have nothing left over, leaving you high and dry, or maybe low and wet, or worse, a prison girlfriend.
Let's say you have ideas of total world domination. Don't start at the world level. You wouldn't stand a chance. So you may ask, "maybe I will start will just one city then". I say that is the right idea but not small enough. Here is the idea.
Go to the neighbourhood playground and take it over - but in pieces, not all at once. There could easily be a couple dozen highly trained jungle gym kids there and they would take you out faster than you think. Patience is the key. Again, keep small in mind. Start with the sand box. Move in slow, look natural, bring a bucket, a shovel, maybe a sandwich, you could get hungry.
Patience now, start building a sand castle, dig a small hole or trench around the castle. After a few minutes some of the kids will join you seeing your fun, and the key with the sand box is it with definitely draw the attention of the small ones. They are weak and easily moved around and not likely missed. So they gather around the castle, what do you do, you push them in and bury them in sand. Quadrant one has been secured. You have easily weakened the Jungle Gym force by 4-6 members. Now move to the merry-go round.
Offer kids a ride and start pushing. Don't run with them or you will tire too quickly and risk getting dizzy. Stand to the one side and start pushing. 3-5 more kids will be too dizzy to function in a short 2-3 minutes. Now the castle ahead, the everest, the jungle gym. Again split it into parts.
The slide, the rings, the bars, and finally the platform. Now look what has happened. You have taking over an entire playground with little brute strength and all with good planning, good patience, and by starting small, and you were still done in 15-20 minutes. You are King of the Castle, breathe it in. Now plan the next take over.
Always look to take the smaller ignored pieces first and when you finish you can add then together and then take out the bigger pieces with more ease. Don't just go to take over the world. Take a smaller piece first, like Wyoming or Outer Mongolia, and like the small kids, no one will miss them anyway so you will meet little resistance. Once you have Wyoming, Nebraska is your oyster and Montana and South Dakota can't be far behind. Soon you have enough smalls to capture the bigs.
Also imagine that each time you take a small it is a practice run for the final fight. Sure the sandbox was easy, but wasn't the platform that much easier when everything around it already gone and you have had all the first hand practice you need for a quick take over. Trust me - the platform is easier to capture when you don't have to worry about those crazy monkey bar kids moving in on the blind side.

Step 3: Success
This isn't so much of a step rather than a result. I believe it was Bill Murray who was told to take "Baby Steps" in What About Bob? It doesn't have to be all done at once. Remember that all the smalls will help you defeat the bigs. Success occurs during each task. The sandbox was a success, the slide was a success, Nebraska was a su....well, it doesn't count as a success if you can shoot fish in a barrel, that was a can't miss. You could take out Nebraska with a flashlight. I mean these are people proud of growing corn...corn...I took a crap in the woods and planted corn and I don't think I am that special. Try growing potatos with McDonald's breathing down your neck for the next shipment of fries. *Note - Idaho holds tremendous power but has a small population. Do not underestimate their take over.

In the end you can see that all tasks are possible if you use my "Three S" system. Live by it and things can only become easier - Start, Small, and Success. Remember Rome was not built in a day, they built the roads first. Okay, the roads were already there since they were made of dirt but someone had to decide where they go.

Super Heroes and Super Blunders

Have you ever thought that maybe superheroes have had some bad experiences? I don't mean that a villain has finally got the best of them, but that they have possibly fallen victim to their own super powers.
Take Spiderman, for example.
Let's just say that old Peter Parker is sitting at home after a long day of fighting crime and decides to clean the old web-slinger. So he is cleaning away and then all of a sudden it goes off by accident and shoots webbing all over him. You have got to think that he would not be happy about this, and Aunt May would also be a bit upset. Think about it. I'm sure this has happened, but of course no one will know about it. Why would he tell anyone? Now that was just one hero. What about the rest of them?
I wonder if Superman has ever been relaxing at home and super-bagged himself. We all have done it. It is nothing to be ashamed of. Ah, you are probably all thinking that Superman has super strength, but I think that is exactly how it would happen. The only thing that can bag old Superman is his own slip of the hand. Just think about it.
What about Wonder Woman?
She may take her invisible jet to the bar and maybe she lets loose with a few rounds and shooters, and all of a sudden it's closing time. Now Wonder Woman is a little bit tipsy and can't quite remember exactly where she parked, and an invisible jet is pretty hard to find. On the other hand, she might know where it is, but in her drunken haze walk headfirst into a wing tip and knock herself out cold. Hey, it could happen.
Then there's the Flash. I bet he's sprinted down the street and all of a sudden wiped out on a crack in the sidewalk. He would slide for blocks. I bet the worst case of road rash ever recorded was on the Flash.
And how about the Hulk? I bet the Hulk has ripped clean out of his clothes and found himself having to fight evil stark naked. If I were evil, this would definitely be an event which would make me want to end my life of crime and take that supermarket promotion I was offered.
There are so many more that I could illustrate, but I think I have got my point across. In the end, through all the smoke and whistles that make every Superhero seem perfect, I believe a klutz inside them all has shown his face and made every hero look like a mortal being. Look at the Tick and his friends in the fight against evil and tell me that's such a bad thing.