The Line

I started to write a comment in T's blog about a post where she wrote about an inappropriate T-Shirt she saw and as I started to write I realized that this deserved a post rather than be relegated as a comment.

As my comment started in her blog, I can't say that I thought it was completely wrong. Yes, it was inappropriate, but that doesn't necessarily mean it did not make me laugh. Do I agree that "Shooting the Bitch" is the cure for PMS? No, but I am guilty of a little giggle after I read that. Why? Because my name is Duncan.

Group replies, "Hi Duncan"

I sheepishly shuffle my feet, "and I have enjoyed inappropriate humour for 12 years."

The group gazes back, "Don't worry Duncan, we are here to help you."

Well, what is inappropriate humour? Well let's break it down.

Dictionary Definition:

Inappropriate: 1: not suitable for a particular occasion etc; "noise seems inappropriate at a time of sadness"; "inappropriate shoes for a walk on the beach"; "put inappropriate pressure on them." 2: not conforming with accepted standards of propriety or taste; undesirable; "incorrect behavior"; "she was seen in all the wrong places"; "He thought it was wrong for her to go out to work." 3: not in keeping with what is correct or proper; "completely inappropriate behavior."

Humour: 1. message whose ingenuity or verbal skill or incongruity has the power to evoke laughter. 2. a normal functioning bodily semifluid or fluid (as the blood or lymph) b : a secretion (as a hormone) that is an excitant of activity

Ok, so definition #2 for humour doesn't seem to help, so you can choose to ignore that one. So what are we looking at then? Inappropriate Humour is looking like it is defined as "something that has the power to evoke laughter but is not suitable for a particular occasion." or loosely defined as, "I know I shouldn't laugh at that, but man, that shit is funny." It is just something about humour that may offend that is dangerous and exciting and gets my blood flowing, like adrenaline, or a brisk walk. Do I feel bad if I offend people by mistake? Of course!

So that brings us to the "line". That imaginary line in the ground that is drawn to give everybody reference to what is appropriate or not. In my home, or actually, any social situation with friends, the line can be non-existent. The warning I put out to the reading public is, "The line can be very different from environment to environment." For example, something that is funny to your potty mouth friends, may not be appropriate for Grandma's house (but probably is OK for my Grandma. She loves dirty jokes). I may think "Jesus" jokes are funny, but the Church crowd doesn't always appreciate them. Sometimes blonde jokes are funny, but around blondes they can be confusing. So as you can see, just be careful.

In closing I will say again "laugh at everything you can but watch your feet as not to trip on the line." Hey, that reminds me of a few inappropriate jokes:

How does a man load the dishwasher?

He gets his wife drunk.

What do you say to a kid with two black eyes?

Nothing. You have already told him twice.

How do you kill a fox?

Cut off his leg and make him run across Canada.

and one of the most inappropriate T-Shirts I have ever seen.

Now laugh, and then be appalled.

I Wanna Play Too!!!

I wanted to be a cartoon as well. Great idea ATB!!

Can anyone guess who this is? Man, I am one lucky guy. And boy, do we ever make a cute couple.

It Would have Seemed Weird Then

It is a spring day like every other one. There is a little breeze floating through the air and the flowers dance in the wind. The vibrant colours of spring are everywhere. The new leaves begin to hatch forth from the skeletal limbs of the trees and reach for the sky. The air is cool but not crisp. All in all it is a very comfortable day.

Two figures are standing on the top of a rolling mound in a meadow watching over the landscape. They are not looking for anything in particular, they just look and enjoy the picturesque beauty of the day. They are two men, clad in animal fur and not much more. They lean on their spears and shift slightly from foot to foot. Their hair is obviously unwashed, soap not being invented yet, and waves in clumps in the light wind. Everything seems perfect this day as they stand in silence watching over the field.

The field is a vast meadow of green grass bordered by a slow moving stream. Gophers pop up randomly sniffing the air each time. They all see their shadows, but that doesn't seem to matter since it is not Febuary and they are not groundhogs, so winter has come and gone. Birds dip and dive through the air eating as many bugs as they can and get their fill after their long flight North for the summer. Some gather on the ground and others circle above, but the movement is constant. The only other creatures roaming the field are some feral cows eating grass and lazily taking in the sun. They are pretty normal cows, black and white, and dumb as can be. Some drink from the creek and others nibble the grass and chew their cud. Just another normal day in the meadow.

As the two men look out into the meadow one looks restless, shifts on his feet and looks at his counterpart on the hill. He leans slightly back and thoughts swirl in his head. He decides, after much debate, to say something. "Ooga Ooga, Booga Booga Ooga, Booga, Ooga, Booga."

(Whoops, let me turn on the caveman translator)

"Hey Ooga, you have a Booga hanging there, take this tissue and do something about it."

"Thanks Mike, how long has it been there?"

"Ummm..Since we left."

"What!! I have had this thing hangin' here all day. We went to talk to Looga. Man, she must think I am a total geek."

"Well, she does, but that is because you do not shower."

"Oh, ok."

The conversation ends and they go back to staring out over the cattle herd. Mike begins to think again. "Hey Ooga," Mike thinks out loud, "You know how the young cavebabies drink milk from our cave women's chest sacks?"

"Yeah, I watch Looga for three hours yesterday. I miss those days when I drank all that milk," replied Ooga.

Mike looked backed puzzled and shook his head and continued, "Well since the milk seems to be so good for babies why do we stop drinking it?"

"Well, because I got too big for my mom's lap."

"What!?! Whatever. Anyways, Do you see those cows out there?"

"Yeah"

"They also feed their calves milk, but they produce way more than our cavewomen."

"So?"

"So, I think you should go down, and, well, suck on that cow's nipple."

"What? No way!!"

"Come on, it looks the same as cavewoman milk and the calves grow up so fast it has to be good."

"No way!! That's gross."

"C'mon. I won't tell anybody."

"No!!"

"C'mon, I will give you this bone neckless if you do it."

"ummm...."

"OK, I will throw in three spear heads."

"Done! Cow nipple, here I come."

So then Ooga starts to walk into the meadow and quickly sneeks up behind the herd of cows. Mike watches and giggles as he can't believe what Ooga is going to do. Ooga is going to drink cow's milk. Mike thinks to himself 'what a pervert, I am telling Looga the second we get back to cavetown.'

And that is how it started. Two cavemen in a field with nothing better to do but dare to try something gross and ever since then we have been drinking milk. It is weird to think why we do some things. Now, I dare you to suck on a bear's nipple. C'mon, they grow up to be such big and strong animals. Alright, I will give you this bone neckless and three spear heads I won once.

Dial W for Wussy

I now, officially, think that human rights have come way too far in North America. No, I am not talking about the lady in Florida and whether she had to die or not, and I am not talking about the Pope and how everybody is still in shock. I am talking about red pens. Just normal red pens.

In a news story on the radio yesterday they were saying how using red pens to mark a student's work can be harmful to the child. They said that if the student gets a paper or test back with a big red F on it, that is all they remember, and that it is suggested that they use softer colours like purple or blue.

I shook my head when I heard all of this. What are we doing to the kids of this generation? We are going to have a bunch of kids that have no way to deal with failure because they have been coddled so much.

First of all, if your child got an F on the test they deserve to see a big red gross one that everyone else can see. That way they are humiliated and will work really hard to not get another one next time. Now if it is a continual pattern of F's then there might be a bigger problem, like the kid is dumb and has a life of janitorial work ahead of them. Better to know that now then have them set unrealistic goals for themselves. I mean, not everybody can be a brain surgeon.

Second, every other grade that is given out is also with the big red marker. I have never met a teacher, or had a teacher, that would switch pens to put a different grade on the paper. Let me see, that student got a B+, I will put that on their test with a pastel pink crayon and add a couple of flowers. NO! Red is the colour for marking! Not purple, not blue, not yellow, not anything else. Give those grades in red and learn to love it all over again.

This all leads up to on all encompassing statement; "Quit worrying about everybody else's kids and start paying attention to your own". Just because your wussy kids cries when ever he gets a big red "F" doesn't mean that it is a good idea to remove it for everybody. I mean, if you spent as much time worrying about the colour of the teacher's pen as you did studying with your children, then they could bring home a big red A that you can put on your fridge. A fridge probably filled with soy milk and tofu, you damn dirty hippies.

So in the end use red markers and bring back the gold star. Let's start teaching our kids about failure and success again and quit telling them that mediocrity is ok, because it is not. Society after school will be a cold slap in the face if you keep protecting your kids from that and then you will have them living with you until they are 38. Do you want that? I didn't think so.

The Wonderful World of Golf

I think over the past few years I may have figured out why so many business deals go down on the golf course. The course is where the true person comes out. The course is where you get to see what people are really like. The golf course is the ultimate truth serum.

Over the past few years, especially the last 12 months I have been golfing a bunch. I have taken a pretty unhealthy love of the sport, or game, or whatever you might want to call it. Some may call it torture. In that time I have golfed with a lot of different people, from family, to friends, co-workers and associates, some that I have known forever, some people that I have just met, and golf always opens people up to their raw emotional selves.

It is just something about the game. It is such a strange game of luck and skill. It is days where you can shoot a 55 on the front and then follow that up with a 42 on the back. It is this sort of rollercoaster that will crack the best people in the world out of their shell. The stress of the whole thing will open then like a can of corn. The true person will escape.

For example, I am a pretty happy-go-lucky guy but if I am having a bad run on the golf course I can get very, I guess surly might be a good word. My patience will only stretch so far. Things I was laughing about 2 holes before are now pissing me off and I just may explode (the best cure for this is throwing my ball in the water or using my putter on the fairway from 180 yards out). My true trait has been revealed. I will put up with some nonsense but don't push me too far. Not something that new people may know about me but they would find out in 2 hours on the course, something seasoned Duncan buddies may take months, or maybe years, to find out.

So, if you want an awesome first date, go golfing as the real person will come out and play and then you don't have to date a half dozen times to get to know them. They should show up by the 10th hole, or if things are going poorly, by the end of the 3rd.

Warning: This may not work if they are golfing for the very first time as they will probably laugh about every shot they take.