The Band of the Future

During conversation last night I had a great idea for a band. It would be something that no one else is doing. A band that will revolutionize the future of music.

How?

Well listen closely.

Are you tired of Band that only play at night? Are you tired of being out late just to hear your favorite songs played live? Well, I have the answer for you.

The Band of the Future, today!!!

This band will only play early afternoon shows. None of this 8pm non-sense. We are going to hit the stage at 2pm each day that we play. Sure some people may have better things to do at 2pm on a weekday, but they are just losers. I think I will really tap into a great new market. The hardcore unemployed music lover.

What type of music do we play?

It doesn't matter because how many bands are playing live shows at 2pm?

Buskers you say?

Well they are practically homeless and will be easy to beat up and take out of rotation and then we will dominate the afternoon time slot. We would be like the Rosie O'Donnell of the music industry. The only choice for moderately priced afternoon entertainment.

Now to put the band together. For starters I am going to need a horn section and someone that does nothing but dance through every song on stage. Oh, and I might need to learn how to play an instrument because I am not going to dance. Maybe I could sing and then sell out soon after. Yeah, that would be sweet.

Who's in?

Damn You Shania

I have listened to this song now for too long and I have decided to do a thoughtful essay on just what all of this means. What does Shania want and are these reasonable demands of her suitor? I would contest her demands at times during this song and as usual I will not keep my thoughts to myself. This is not an attack on country music. This is only an attack on Shania and her song "Any Man Of Mine".

This is what a woman wants...
Any man of mine better be proud of me
Even when I'm ugly he still better love me

I don't really have too much problem with any of this. There are things that a woman is going to do that I will not be proud of. Like crashing the car, cheating on me, or being a total hose bag but for the most part I will usually be very proud of whatever you do. Now about the second part. How often do you plan on being ugly because I might have a problem with that. This goes back to the old chinese proverb, "Beauty is all on the inside." So that means being ugly is defined as you being an unpleasant person to be around, or as the old chinese proverb says, "a raging bitch". I would have a tough time with this but to be realistic, if that is the way you are then I probably wouldn't have fallen in love with you in the first place. Sure, we might have had some good times, maybe you're great in bed, but that does not mean I loved you.

And I can be late for a date that's fine
But he better be on time

This one line ticks me off more than any other. If you are late for a date I am going to be pissed off. That is the bottom line. I hate being late, especially if your excuse is that you had trouble finding something to wear or I had to put on my make-up. Plan for delays and make sure you are on time because you know that I will be there early. If I am late, then you can be mad at me, but don't expect me to be ok with your dilly-dallying.

Any man of mine'll say it fits just right
When last year's dress is just a little too tight

OK, this is just common sense. Any man with the right head about him would never say that you are looking a little bigger this year. Strangely I would have to agree with Shania on this one.

And anything I do or say better be okay
When I have a bad hair day

Bad hair is not an excuse, along with PMS, cramps, or broken nails, for being a total hose beast. You do not have the right to be a jerk, especially when any woman of mine is not going to take that crap from me. And I will be the judge of you having a bad hair day or not and then only say anything if you are asking for me opinion. Example conversation;

Lola: "Hey Duncan, do I have bedhead?"
Duncan: "Turn around?"
Lola: "How does it look?"
Duncan: "Yeah, that is some great bedhead."

See how nice that conversation was? It was honest and yet I still complimented Lola on her "great" bedhead. It is something she can be proud of and smile about before she combs it down.

And if I change my mind
A million times
I wanna hear him say
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
I like it that way

And I say "hurry up and make a freaking decision already". I am very lucky in the relationship I am in that Lola is very decisive and she usually doesn't change her mind more than once or twice, if at all. This relates back to the reason why you are late all the time. This is going to frustrate me all over again. Does this decision change the world? No? Okay, hurry up and decide on paper or plastic already.

Well any man of mine better disagree
When I say another woman's lookin' better than me

Again I would say that this is common sense. Of course the woman I am with is the most beautiful woman in the world and there is nothing you can say to change that. Now I may walk past the bakery and see a really delicious looking chocolate cake in the window and think, only for a moment, how yummy that looks. Then I think of how bad it is for you and how gross I would feel afterward when I ate the whole thing. Then I think how lucky I am to have my little corn tortilla at home.

And when I cook him dinner and I burn it black
He better say, mmmm, I like it like that yeah

Burn the dinner once and I say that is cute and a honest mistake. Burn it twice, I may think you are not cut out for the kitchen. Burn it again and call me an idiot for eating it. I am totally fine if you can not cook. Some people are not cut out for the kitchen and I appreciate the effort but just stop now. In addition, if I say "I like it like that" then you will keep burning food on propose because you think I like it. So, in this case, honesty is the best policy.

If you wanna be a man of mine, that's right
This is what a woman wants...

Okay, so I have left out the last three or four verses of the song but that is because it was mostly just a repeat of the chorus and then some weird directions to what the kids these days would call a "line dance". Although I do enjoy the phrase, "a-hup two, three four". There is just something about a good "a-hup" that can really get the day started right.

"C'mon everybody, let your boots shake,
doe-si-doe, and a stomp, stomp.
Leave a comment, make the keys quake,
a-hup two, three, four"

Lions, and Tigers, and Gold Stars, Oh My

In this day and age when so many parents and teachers have stopped grading their kids I have started to grade myself. With everything I do I started to give myself a rating either out of 5 or 10 to let other people know how I did.

The beauty about grades is they are cut and dry. They tell you and everybody else how you did. If people ask you how it went at work today, I can say that it was a 7/10, and then they think, hmmm, I wonder why my day would only be a 6/10, and then the world is your oyster. By grading myself, you in turn will grade yourself, and then you will try harder the next day to make your day a little bit better. You see how that works.

Rating or grading gives a measure of your performance against all others in the same set of circumstances. The best part about grading is that the journey does not really matter, as all people will think and do things differently, but the result in the end is all that really matters. For example, if you are doing math and you want to add 2 and 2 together, it doesn't matter how you do it as long as your result is 4. I don't care if you picture apples in a basket, count your fingers, or toes, or just know the answer, you get a point for getting it right. On the other hand, if you try the same methods as the person who got it right but come to me with an answer of 5, then sorry my young friend, you get no points, no partial marks, try again. Then at the end of the week when little Ian has 5/5 I know he is ready to go to the next week. Then when I look at little Rex and he has 1/5 I know he is going to need a little more help. For starters I will recommend that he stops eating his glue.

So what are the tools YOU need to start grading yourself with, and improving your life. Well, I am going to tell you for the low, low price of $29.95. What? All right, during this special blogger promotion I will give you the whole set of Rating Rules and the Super Shammy for a one time offer of $19.95. Happy? No? OK, I will give you the Rating Rules, the Super Shammy, a Travel Rating Rules, and, for this one time only offer, as a free gift to you for ordering the set, a Ronco Flavour Injector for the low, low, one time price of $15.95. (Cheers erupt from the audience)

Ok, first things first, you need step one.

Step One: You need to establish a set of criteria. You have to decide what you are going to measure and then decide what factors with in that affect the grade. Are you measuring how well you played softball or how much fun a party was? Think about that because the criteria will change.

Step Two: You need to establish a standard that you are comparing your grade to. You may want to watch other people do the task really well and set them as the standard, or possibly just the average and then grade yourself against that. The grade means nothing if you can not compare it to anything else. It is great that you give yourself a 10/10 but how do you know that is actually good when you have nothing to compare it against? That leads into step 3.

Step Three: Be honest with yourself. Sometimes you are going to have to crack down on yourself and give yourself a tough grade but that is the only way you are going to get better. You could give yourself 10's all the time but it would be as useful as corn at a jello party. Think about it, be honest, and it will be your path to self improvement.

Step Four: Make it public. If someone asks you how things went. Tell them your score so they know you did really well, or there is room for much improvement. Also, as I noted in the beginning, if you grade yourself, other people will start to grade themselves and then the whole world starts to make it self accountable.

Now look at that, four easy steps to self improvement. Not eight or twelve. Just a simple four. Now parents and teachers take note because grading works. Not Pass/Fail either. I want cold hard percentages, numbers, something tangible. As for this post, I would give myself a 4/5. Strong in areas, but lacking some of the classic zip. At least I recognize that I can improve.

Oh yeah - Here is your Flavour Injector.

Witch Hunt

I thought I would save everybody a bunch of time.

Time you ask.

Yes, well, maybe not my readers but the world seems to put everything on trial so I thought I would do some of the leg work and save everybody a bunch of trouble.

Trouble you ask.

The trouble in finding all the 'gay' cartoon characters so that parents don't have to worry about their children watching them and then catching the 'gay'. Parents are desperately searching for everything 'gay' the can so they can eliminate them and save the world from the moral injustices that are being done.

Why you ask?

Because it would be a shame to teach our children tolerance and equality when we can just sweep everything under a rug. It seems that it is much easier to ignore and degrade these people than to just treat them as human beings.

Now onto the show:

The Obvious Ones: Everybody Know These Ones



Velma
Why?: Short hair, nerdy glasses, no interest in the hunk Fred. Also, those orthopedic shoes are doing nothing for her image.





Bert and Ernie
Why?: Two grown men sharing a bedroom together for that long, something has to be up. It was really just a matter of time before the closet door slide open. Also, Bert may be gruff on the inside but he is actually very gentle.



Gargamel
Why?: First of all, he lived alone with his cat and he was like 60 years old. Second, he always wore that long black dress. Not only 'gay', but a drag queen.

The Maybe Not So Obvious:




Sponge Bob Square Pants
Why?: The man, errr, sponge of much of the gay contraversy right now. His best friend is a starfish which makes him 'gay' by association. Also, not too many straight men wear lederhosen, especially square lederhosen.





Yogi Bear
Why?: Long walk on the woods with his best pal BooBoo and an unquenchable loves for romantic picnics. It is just a matter of connecting the dots on this one.





Superman
Why?: The obvious answer is of course his love of tights. Also there is his desire to pick the wussiest job out there, journalist. I mean, he could have pulled it back a bit and done some really manly jobs, like construction or a trainer at the YMCA.

Conclusion?

Again I plead that we make sure that our children are not exposed to these characters. They teach nothing but bad morals and try to turn of on our children into 'gay' bum sex worshippers.