Looking for Advice?
I have realized over the years that I am to go to guy when it comes to relationship advice, especially for my female friends. I guess it is natural to assume that a youngish, average looking, bald guy with little money and a good sense of humour would dispense only the best and most thoughtful advice. While that logic is flawed and probably not the best way to approach looking for good advice I feel I have come through in the clutch more than a couple times.
Now you are probably asking why should I listen to what Duncan has to tell me about relationships?
The answer is simple and usually two fold:
#1) You are probably drunk and don't know any better
#2) I am probably the only other person in the room
Now given that information you are probably wondering really how good my advice is. Well, if I do say so myself, the advice I offer to my friends, family, and drunken party guests usually has mild to luke-warm success. I mean with that sort of track record I am on the fast track to a syndicated talk show. I am really just one 'same-sex-crush-revealed-on-TV-turning-into-a-murder' away from being the next Jenny Jones. I mean she is Canadian, so I have that already going for me.
So now you are probably asking why all the posturing? Well, that is because I am about to reveal the "ULTIMATE GUIDE TO THE PERFECT MATCH FOR WOMEN". I am not sure how many single women read this but this advice is indispensable. Even if you are in a relationship you can use this guide to decide if the person you are with is the one for you.
So, think of a poorly constructed Cosmo Quiz, and here we go!
#1) Could Duncan take them in a fight?
The answer to this question should be yes. Now before you quickly answer without thinking about it keep the following information in mind:
a) I am about 6'1" and currently about 217 lbs
b) I have ran two half marathons this year so I have good to strong endurance
c) I wear glasses so it is bad form for him to punch me in the face
d) I earned a yellow belt in Judo when I was 12 years old
c) If needed I will strike quickly and repeatedly in the groin
Now that you have that information think about your answer. You should be answering yes and the reasoning is; one, you want him to be intimidated by me so he always knows that treating you wrong could bring down the wrath of Duncan, and two, I always want to feel more manly than anyone you are dating. The second one is more to build my own confidence and as a true friend you obviously think that is important.
#2) Are they a vegetarian?
The answer to this should be no. I really feel I shouldn't have to explain why this is important but in short, meat makes the world go round. Catering to a veggie person is hard and time consuming and really too much work for you and all of your friends. Think of all the BBq's you will no longer get invited to or all the French Quarter Meat Draws you will have to miss. It is really a lose/lose.
The other fact is that vegetarians have a cold or at least the sniffles 320 days of the year. That leaves you with 45 days of booger free kissing. Think about it and the limits that puts on your relationship.
#2b) If they are a vegetarian, do they display any other hippie-like tendencies?
This includes constant pot smoking, constant complaining about how life isn't fair, and general malaise, always trying to wussify the current generation by protecting them against losing and failure, glorifying the hard work and dedication of the squeegee people, and they probably have convinced themselves that tofu is edible. All around this is bad news and signs of a miserable long term relationship.
#3) What is their level of sports enjoyment?
This is a tough balance but you want something in the medium-high range but nothing to either extreme. The people in the high range should also be participating in sports as well as being a couch jockey. If they come home each day and start talking about the the Canucks and/or can actually tolerate listening to David Pratt everyday, you are going to have a problem.
The toughest thing is to find a person that is a multi-dimensional sports fan. In Vancouver this would mean finding someone that actually knows that other sports and teams exist other than hockey and the Canucks. If the person you are with has one or a combination of the following traits you may need to think about heading somewhere else:
a) They think game 2 of the Canucks season is as important to watch as a Playoff game
b) They get visibly upset over losses or overly excited about wins during the first 4 months of the season
c) They feel it is necessary to watch every game that is televised
d) They get upset that the sports ticker has the nerve to show NBA or NFL scores
e) They can't make any plans on Saturday nights until after 10pm
f) If they have ever said something along the lines of "basketball is gay"
g) If, at any time you have been intimate, he has shouted "He Shoots, He Scores"
h) He refers to every person in the Canucks line-up by their nick name
These are all signs of someone who invests way too much time watching and thinking about hockey. I understand that it is our duty as Canadians to understand and enjoy the game but there are other sports in the world.
You probably ask why this is important?
Well, it shows they can embrace different ideas and cultures and learn new things. It also means that you can go out to social events and not have the entire conversation surround just hockey. This is especially awkward around people who don't care. Trust me on this.
Ok - I think this is a good starting point and should give you a good idea whether the person you want to date is going to be worth while. Sure, there are other things that are important, like personal hygiene, religious beliefs, life insurance policies, general appearance, and if they are employed or not. I guess those are also important things and I could write a follow-up article on important questions you should cover on the first date but I don't want to overwhelm you. I just want to make sure we get the basics down first.
So in review:
1) Can Duncan beat them up?
2) Are they a vegetarian or a hippie or think life should be fair?
3) Are they hockey crazy?
oh and 4) Do they play trivia based board games or enjoy games such as Settlers of Catan?
The answer to the fourth question should be yes. This is because board games are a) a staple of cheap weekend entertainment, b) can be played drunk or sober and c) create a great social situation.
If your potential boyfriend hates board games they are probably a social outcast and hate talking to other people or are just dumb and don't want to be embarrassed. Both are not great traits for a long term relationship.
Ok - so now it is four important questions. I know that complicates things a bit but, hey, if you need help, I am here for you.
Now go get 'em tiger!!
Now you are probably asking why should I listen to what Duncan has to tell me about relationships?
The answer is simple and usually two fold:
#1) You are probably drunk and don't know any better
#2) I am probably the only other person in the room
Now given that information you are probably wondering really how good my advice is. Well, if I do say so myself, the advice I offer to my friends, family, and drunken party guests usually has mild to luke-warm success. I mean with that sort of track record I am on the fast track to a syndicated talk show. I am really just one 'same-sex-crush-revealed-on-TV-turning-into-a-murder' away from being the next Jenny Jones. I mean she is Canadian, so I have that already going for me.
So now you are probably asking why all the posturing? Well, that is because I am about to reveal the "ULTIMATE GUIDE TO THE PERFECT MATCH FOR WOMEN". I am not sure how many single women read this but this advice is indispensable. Even if you are in a relationship you can use this guide to decide if the person you are with is the one for you.
So, think of a poorly constructed Cosmo Quiz, and here we go!
#1) Could Duncan take them in a fight?
The answer to this question should be yes. Now before you quickly answer without thinking about it keep the following information in mind:
a) I am about 6'1" and currently about 217 lbs
b) I have ran two half marathons this year so I have good to strong endurance
c) I wear glasses so it is bad form for him to punch me in the face
d) I earned a yellow belt in Judo when I was 12 years old
c) If needed I will strike quickly and repeatedly in the groin
Now that you have that information think about your answer. You should be answering yes and the reasoning is; one, you want him to be intimidated by me so he always knows that treating you wrong could bring down the wrath of Duncan, and two, I always want to feel more manly than anyone you are dating. The second one is more to build my own confidence and as a true friend you obviously think that is important.
#2) Are they a vegetarian?
The answer to this should be no. I really feel I shouldn't have to explain why this is important but in short, meat makes the world go round. Catering to a veggie person is hard and time consuming and really too much work for you and all of your friends. Think of all the BBq's you will no longer get invited to or all the French Quarter Meat Draws you will have to miss. It is really a lose/lose.
The other fact is that vegetarians have a cold or at least the sniffles 320 days of the year. That leaves you with 45 days of booger free kissing. Think about it and the limits that puts on your relationship.
#2b) If they are a vegetarian, do they display any other hippie-like tendencies?
This includes constant pot smoking, constant complaining about how life isn't fair, and general malaise, always trying to wussify the current generation by protecting them against losing and failure, glorifying the hard work and dedication of the squeegee people, and they probably have convinced themselves that tofu is edible. All around this is bad news and signs of a miserable long term relationship.
#3) What is their level of sports enjoyment?
This is a tough balance but you want something in the medium-high range but nothing to either extreme. The people in the high range should also be participating in sports as well as being a couch jockey. If they come home each day and start talking about the the Canucks and/or can actually tolerate listening to David Pratt everyday, you are going to have a problem.
The toughest thing is to find a person that is a multi-dimensional sports fan. In Vancouver this would mean finding someone that actually knows that other sports and teams exist other than hockey and the Canucks. If the person you are with has one or a combination of the following traits you may need to think about heading somewhere else:
a) They think game 2 of the Canucks season is as important to watch as a Playoff game
b) They get visibly upset over losses or overly excited about wins during the first 4 months of the season
c) They feel it is necessary to watch every game that is televised
d) They get upset that the sports ticker has the nerve to show NBA or NFL scores
e) They can't make any plans on Saturday nights until after 10pm
f) If they have ever said something along the lines of "basketball is gay"
g) If, at any time you have been intimate, he has shouted "He Shoots, He Scores"
h) He refers to every person in the Canucks line-up by their nick name
These are all signs of someone who invests way too much time watching and thinking about hockey. I understand that it is our duty as Canadians to understand and enjoy the game but there are other sports in the world.
You probably ask why this is important?
Well, it shows they can embrace different ideas and cultures and learn new things. It also means that you can go out to social events and not have the entire conversation surround just hockey. This is especially awkward around people who don't care. Trust me on this.
Ok - I think this is a good starting point and should give you a good idea whether the person you want to date is going to be worth while. Sure, there are other things that are important, like personal hygiene, religious beliefs, life insurance policies, general appearance, and if they are employed or not. I guess those are also important things and I could write a follow-up article on important questions you should cover on the first date but I don't want to overwhelm you. I just want to make sure we get the basics down first.
So in review:
1) Can Duncan beat them up?
2) Are they a vegetarian or a hippie or think life should be fair?
3) Are they hockey crazy?
oh and 4) Do they play trivia based board games or enjoy games such as Settlers of Catan?
The answer to the fourth question should be yes. This is because board games are a) a staple of cheap weekend entertainment, b) can be played drunk or sober and c) create a great social situation.
If your potential boyfriend hates board games they are probably a social outcast and hate talking to other people or are just dumb and don't want to be embarrassed. Both are not great traits for a long term relationship.
Ok - so now it is four important questions. I know that complicates things a bit but, hey, if you need help, I am here for you.
Now go get 'em tiger!!
posted by Duncan McAllister at 12:02 p.m.
2 Comments:
Hm. Due to the hockey-related content of question #3, I have determined I am not boyfriend material.
I'm sure G will be pleased to hear this news.
JR
You have always given me good advice, or at least listened really well since about the 10th grade - maybe even earlier...in any case, this is a classic post! Sweetness...so far the current guy passes all 4 of those tests, though I don't know about the board games. In fact I may not be boyfriend material based on the partial vegetarian bit and the board games...or sports...oh well...it's not about me, unless I call your for advice!
Post a Comment
<< Home