Caught Shoplifting in Costco

It was like any other Tuesday. Well, not like any other Tuesday, as this Tuesday I was venturing on a trip to Costco in Burnaby after work instead of going home. I had played basketball in the morning so I already had my work out for the day....or so I thought.

I entered into Costco and did the first that I always do. I walked straight to the cafeteria and got some food. I strangely did not get a hot dog and opted for the chicken strips. I wouldn't say it was a mistake but the hot dog is always a better choice. I finished my chicken, each one dipped carefully into sweet n' sour sauce and finished about half the fries. I threw the rest away as I realized that I was in Costco without a cart. So back outside into the rain. I think I managed to find at least the wettest and wobbliest cart. This would be perfect.

Commence the Costco Wander...

I pretty much have the same process each time I walk through Costco. I don't really remember where anything is but know that one side has food, one side has other stuff classified as not food, and then the multimedia in the middle. By the "multimedia" I mean the books, magazines, DVDs, CDs, games, toys, clothes, underwear, and socks.

I usually stay on the non-food side, travelling in a straight line, until I each the furthest corner and then start to weave back and forth through the food stuffs until I am back at the front and the gauntlet of cashier line-ups. That is not to stay that I haven't at least made a detour into the multimedia section. As usual I am disappointed in the over priced DVDs. Alright, distraction and needless spending averted, back on track.

First I grab some laundry detergent from the back end of the non-food section and thus beginning my shopping. As I weave through I the rows I start to pick up the essentials. Essentials like a kilogram of cheese, a huge box of instant oatmeal, a crate of mini pizzas, a flat of water, 2 pounds of lunch meat, a case of yogurt, 4 pounds of trail mix, you know, manageably sized items.

In complete shock I turn the corner at the front and realize that the lines for the cashiers were actually not that long. I should have realized that something wasn't right at that point, but maybe, just maybe, this was my lucky day. I put my items on the cashiers automated-Costco-item-moving-belt-thingy. As the sign says I leave my heavy items in the cart. This means that the detergent and the water get to miss out on all the automated movement action.

At this point there are two Costco employees working this one register. One at the back end helping load my cart and calling out the detergent and the water to the one at the front end. This seems like a smooth system. Bing bang boom and I am on my way.

So I head toward what seems like the strangest and easiest job at any Costco. The job where you hold a pen and take peoples receipts and put a stripe on them. I can't imagine this is fulfilling work but must be easy and mindless enough. I hand the young woman my receipt and expect this transaction to happen as smoothly as normal.

These steps include:

a) I say "hello"
b) They say "hello"
c) I hand them the receipt
d) They take the receipt and give a casual look at the cart not really looking at any thing in the cart
e) They mark the receipt with their sharpie, hand it back, and I am on my way

Except this time something goes wrong.

Something I had never encountered before.

Something I wasn't really expecting.

She looks at the cart and looks at the receipt and then turns to me and says, "Did they give you another receipt?"

Filled with panic and in a stuttery voice I say, "Nope. That's the only one they gave me."

This is when things started to go bad. She looked back and me and said that the water wasn't on the receipt. The precious water, the $6 in water was going to end up putting me in the slammer. I wasn't going down for this water with its fancy Kirkland label. It was time for adrenaline to kick in.

I was only about fifteen feet from the exit. The young Costco employee motioned for a supervisor to come over. I looked around. I was surrounded by employees. I only had one chance and this time my boyish good looks weren't going to get me out of this.

I quickly moved to the opposite side of the cart from the young woman. She asked me to just hold on for a moment. I wasn't about to play this game. I wasn't about to be manhandled by the Costco police. In a moment of panic I did the only thing I could think.

In a flash and with the strength of 3 kindergarten students I pushed my cart into the young woman still holding my receipt and made a break from the door running as fast as I could. The woman had turned and hit the emergency switch and the doors quickly thundered down to the ground as alarms sounded. I looked back and saw that I was about to be surrounded. I took off running like a fullback into the non-food section of Costco.

I was quickly followed. I darted back and forth and more and more employees kept rushing toward me. It was like an episode of Scooby Doo where they run in and out of random doors in a hallway away from the Swamp Monster, except insert the Benny Hill Show theme song.

I was left with only one choice as I was trapped in the aisle. I looked up and I started to climb.

I felt it was my only chance. Like Donkey Kong I reached the top of the rack and started to throw stuff down at the Costco Security. I threw whatever I could get my hand on. Unfortunately I think this was the tissue paper rack and the rolls of toilet paper and paper tower seemed to have little success. It was just a matter of time until...

I snapped back into reality and the supervisor came over to the front and they had to fill out an audit form for the cashier that missed the item and I went with the floor supervisor to a an open till to pay for the water. I wasn't in trouble at all. It really was all anti-climatic as I push my cart out of Costco and into the rain to find my car.

Loading my car I thought to myself that maybe those receipt checkers actually do serve a purpose. Although maybe that girl just didn't know how it was supposed to work.