The Ni-Jerk Scale

I thought today might be a good day to cover a topic that is close to my heart.

And that sentence was my official link to Valentines Day. Get it? Heart? Valentines Day? Huh? Anyways...

I have studied the topic of nice guys and jerks for almost 27 years and worked with both control groups and different environments to prove all of these theories. I have interviewed experts in the both the fields of being nice and being a total jerk. I am sure other studies have been done in other parts of the world but I am positive that these results are universal.

The first result of my research is that the scale between nice and jerk is variable depending on the environment and can have a range in between. No one person is 100% nice all the time and no one person in 100% jerk all the time. That brings me to the major findings of my study. The "Ni-Jerk Scale". It is a line from Nice to Jerk that holds every category of man. I will describe each of these points.

On the extreme end of the nice scale, let us say the "One Marker", sits the geek, nerd, poindexter trifecta. These are the quiet types, the ones with all the smarts. They can usually lack social skills in "normal" environments but are great problem solvers. Trademarks of this social group are lively "D&D" all nighters, Star Trek marathons, glasses mandatory, excel at the sciences, and usually have had one of two upbringings; highly religious or alcoholic parents, sometimes a combination of both. The highest recognized achievement for this group is typically the Scripps-Howard Spelling Bee Champion.

At the "Two Marker" sits what I call the "timids", or also known as the "quiet bunch". They are usually more socially aware than the previous group but do tend to bunch together. It is not uncommon for timids to be seen lingering in higher social networks with jerks because of their need to want to be recognized. This group is easily taken advantage of because of this. Timids are usually seen in groups near other social groups, usually in the cafeteria, but will be seen at other major functions, like school dances, but almost always tucked away in a corner. Other traits include; love of engineering with some pushing towards computer science, usually part of school teams such as debate, mathletes, or quiz bowl. Timids will also be a large portion of the school band in order to be close to the higher social circles during sporting events. Timids do have have a tendency to treat the geeks poorly so they can show at least some social standing hench their move up the Ni-Jerk scale. Timids that have had the most success infiltrating the higher groups are usually the most successful people when they leave school and head out on their own.

At then the "Three Marker", the "metal shoppers", "art house gangs", the "drama club", or sometimes called the "beatnicks" or the "greasers". This group almost has less social clout than the timids but do not try and tell them that. This group is very high on themselves and think that they are in fact the cool gang in town. They try and look down on every group but lack the physical strength to be a true jerk. They are of two breeds - The Metal Shop Boys and the Drama Club and have some of the same traits. They both look down on those who do not share the same knowledge of their craft, they usually smoke in large groups and coffee is popular with both but Metals usually have Tim's coffee in the morning to get started while Drama's usually have early afternoon Starbucks to be social. The problem with this group is that the two factions do more battle with each other than other groups so their jerkiness is usually limited inside of this group.

Up the scale to the "Four Marker". This is the Jock, Cheerleader, Silverspoon group. This group is also seen as being the most popular group. A lot of the time this group is mistaken for the extreme. They only seem that way when they function as a unit. The Jock, Cheerleader, or a Silverspoon are actually very harmless on their own, and in all honesty, can be very nice as they realize they are vulnerable when alone. This is how a lot of "timids" will work there way into this group. As a group they can be deadly and vicious. They feed off of each other and attack weak prey like hyenas, which may include members of their own group if others are not around. They also tend to assume the form of the rest of the group. Trademark traits usually include clothes of similar style and price range, high traffic hang out areas to maximize their target base, usually travel in groups no less than four, and are at all high profile events. As this group breaks away from their early social groups they will usually fall into "nicer" categories in order to conform. This group is governed by popularity, not only toward outside groups, but also has the greatest hierarchy within it compared to other groups.

Now the other extreme end, the ultimate jerk. The are usually very rare are only occur in about one out of every 500 students. This is the jock with no education and no social skills. They are the ying to the geek yang, the opposite. They usually find home with other jocks but are the first to fall out of contact because they treat everyone poorly. Trademarks of this group are usually; single child, either overly spoiled or completely unnoticed children, typically good looking but with one odd feature like a sixth toe, third nipple, or enormous amounts of body odor, jock, always makes fun of the weakest in the class, usually has 3-4 girls in tow, and they are usually a few grades younger than he, and currently still lives where you grew up and works for either a gas station, local pub bouncer, or the lumber mill. He turned out to be a real winner.

So you can see that the 100% nice guys will indeed finish last, for one, because they have no balls to try and be the number one guy at anything they do, but jerks also finish last. You have to find that happy medium. Each division of groups with also have a mini Ni-Jerk hierachy within it but the division is more subtle. Be a jerk sometimes because that is what makes the world go round, and sometimes it feels good to put people down, but don't forget to be nice too, because one day that "timid" might be your boss.