Your God will See You Now

I have always thought about the next life, about passing through to the next world but I am not really sure what I believe. I was always hoping for reincarnation and that way and can come back and do it all again. I guess what I hoped is that I would remember this life and take those lessons forward. I think I would be a much cooler person if I could live a life over again.

Unfortunately, I don't think that is how it works, and besides, what good would it do if I came back as a frog or something. All my life lessons would mean nothing. All of the tough decisions and all the things I learned. At least as a reincarnated frog I would already be used to girls running away from me screaming.

So I have done some research into purgatory and sins and the like just to see how I would do. I feel that I have a decent grasp on it but as always I like to flare it up a bit. Add some colour you might say. If you are religiously sensitive I might stop reading as I have been told that this might be a bit, how do you say, blasphemous.

I have always kind of pictured purgatory to be kind of a religious clinic, much like a medical walk-in clinic. You would walk in and all of the seat are taken except by the old guy that is kind of drooling and smells like Vicks vapo-rub. I guess in purgatory he has a better chance to smell like embalming fluid but that is really up for debate. So I would have a seat and wait for my name to be called.

At first I would just look around the room, reading the posters on the wall. The posters would really promote clean leaving and regular check ups with your priest. There would be a poster right across from me that says, "This is your soul. This is your soul without the Sabbath day", and it would show a soul burning in hell, or something like that, you know, to really scare you. Luckily I take a couple Sabbath days a week so I feel pretty good.

Maybe I take a peek at some of the pamphlets that are sitting in the rack by the door. The pamphlets would be things like, "The Seven Deadly Sins and You", "Coveting and Adultery: There is a Difference", "Honour Your Mother and Father, but Not More than God", and "Sloth: The Slow and Silent Killer". All of these make good reading but I think I will check out the magazine on the coffee table instead.

The Magazines seem to be a little less, well, there is no better way to say it, a little less preachy. I flip through a few to see if there is something I like. There a is a November issue of "10", a January issue of "P.E.G.L.A.G.S.", and at the bottom of the pile is a 1997 issue of "National Geographic". I think sweet, this is not going to be so bad.

Now the thing with purgatory is that you have to wait before God decides if you are allowed to enter the holy land or if you have to take the express elevator to the Brimstone Hotel. You end up in purgatory, so my research tells me, because you have sinned but not really bad sins and you kind of have a chance to make it up. Purgatory is not supposed to be great and I am the first to tell you that I hate waiting, so this is bad enough. From what I understand you also have to pay for the sins you have not been forgiven for and this might involve a little bit of torture. So far I think I am going to be ok, until I see that someone has ripped all the maps out of this "National Geographic". Oh crap.

So like I said, purgatory, in my mind anyway, is like a clinic, so lots of different deities using the same space. It would really help save on rent so they all decided to just share a space. So people of all religions are waiting to see their gods. You just have to sit a wait your turn. Man, there is a lot of people here. I am starting to see a lot of people walk past and disappear down different corridors. When will it be my turn?

So let's fast forward the time a little. I will not make you wait with me. At least the old guy is gone now.

As I sit there the receptionist comes around the corner. "William Letcher!", I nod and she responds, "Please follow me, your God will see you now." I am excited. I am not sure what he is going to look like. I am definitely a little nervous about what is going to happen but I am calmed by the fact that it shouldn't be any worse than a prostate exam.

The receptionist opens the door to a small room, much like a doctor's office. "Please remove your clothes and sit on the table." WHAT! Maybe this is going to be worse than a prostate exam. I start to practice my turn and cough. I strip down and sit with all my clothes on my lap. There is a knock on the door.

Enters a kindly old woman with a grey bun in her hair. She looks at my chart and then walks out of the room. Soon after a cheery man walks in the door and takes a seat beside me. I now have to ask, "Are you God?", and he replies with a simple nod. I can see he is still looking at my chart.

So now I ask, "Who was the old lady?".

God looks up and says, "No one you should worry about."

"But she saw me naked."

"and?"

"and so I would like to know who she is."

"Fine, it was my mother."

"What?"

"I just didn't form out of thin air you know. That is a common misconception."

I nod in understanding. God looks through my chart and is starting to check things off like a grocery list. My nerves are now running crazy now. He looks up at me, shrugs his shoulders and leaves for a few minutes.

He comes back it and gives me a piece of paper. On it is a list of things I need to do before I enter heaven like a doctor would give you a description. He tells me this would had been shorter if I actually would have worshipped him. I smile a nervous laugh and start to read through the list. I also start to wonder why I had to take my clothes off.

To tell you what was on the list would admit to you what sins I have committed so I will not go into detail. Let's just say that all dog's do indeed go to heaven, but that doesn't mean that they have stopped crapping on the lawn.

Anyways, that is my possible purgatory, a big clinic in the sky.

Now if I can just reincarnate.