50 lbs of Beef Jerky

Well - I have hit a good little groove. Each week I have been losing a pound or two. It has been a good little stretch and I want to continue to build on that momentum until the Christmas break. The bonus is that I am on track for all of my goals.

I am currently at 211 lbs and have been under my Festivus goal of 215 lbs for the last couple weeks. That is great news for me. That was really my BIG goal so I am happy to be past it with time to spare. This also puts me on track to be under 200 lbs by my birthday.

I have also been doing weights at least twice a week, sometimes three. I think this is really helping boost my metabolism and I feel like I am starting to shape my body a little bit. All in all I am feeling really great about how things have been going.

I best moment may be a few weeks ago when I went to the dentist. If you don't know I may have the best and nicest dentist in the world. Her name is Dr. Popat and she has an office in North Burnaby. I have had her as a dentist for about the last 5 years so she has seen me at my biggest in the last few years.

Anyways - I was sitting in the dentist chair waiting for her to come in for my cleaning and she comes around the corner and exclaims - "Hello Duncan, It is great to see you", and before I could reply she followed with simple, "and WHAT have you been doing to lose all of that weight!"

I giggled and we discussed my routines and she asked how much I lost. I said in the neighbourhood of 50 lbs. She just stopped working and practically pushed my out of the chair. She was very excited for me. I just smiled. Later during the cleaning she just randomly stopped cleaning for a moment and just simply said without provocation, "50 lbs!! That is awesome. That is like trying to carry five 10 lbs bags of potatos out of Safeway!" I just giggled. What else could I say?

That simple statement, 'Five 10 lbs bags of potatos', made me realize how much 50 lbs really is. That really makes me think about how much extra weight I was carrying around and really how much extra I am still carrying around. I also started to think about other 50 lbs equivalents there are. What I did is typed "50 lbs of" into google to see what sort of results it came up with.

Here are some of the results:

"50 lbs. of steel scissors" It would be great if these were all seized from kindergarten classes that were tired of tearing up paper with safety scissors.

"50 lbs. of coke seized in separate vehicle stops at border" and this was also followed by another link that started "50 lbs of Marijuana found during traffic stop" so assume this to be a common weight of drug dealers. This would be unrelated to "50 lbs of potash" even though it sounds similar. I think this might make for an interesting trip across the border.

"What do you have in the truck sir?"
"Ummm...50lbs of potash. Is there a problem."
"What are you planning on doing with that potash."
"Ummmm...I have no idea."
"Ok, go ahead. Have a safe trip."

Another quick potash fact: Canada is the world's largest producer of Potash. Bet you didn't know that.

"50 lbs of water is 6 gallons" Now you know that as well. It may come up someday.

"What to do with 50 lbs. of squash?" - I thought this was a very valid question. This was followed by "What do you do with 50 pounds of silly putty?" - Again a valid question and they have an answer - "Why, you roll it up in to a huge ball and toss it off a building, of course." But I have a follow-up. How does one obtain 50 lbs of silly putty? Oh yeah, I have a link to this action. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ckcOfb46IKs

"50 lbs of horse manure is not more valuable than 5 ounces of gold, but it does weigh more." I thought this was one of life's great observations along with the sun is hot and water is wet.

"Enter to Win 50 lbs. of Fresh Lobster!" You know, there are so many nights that I sit at home and think - "Damn, if I only had 50lbs of fresh lobster. This recipe is RUINED!"

"How much is 50 lbs of pennys?" Well, the answer is 50 lbs. I didn't even have to think that long about it. I did have to do some long division but this should be correct.

and this was my favorite that I found so far:

"If you could have 50 lbs of anything other than money, what would it be?"

someone replied in the comments with "I am too lazy now to convert lbs into kgs. So if it's a reasonable weight I would choose a cat perhaps"

someone else replied to that with "you could probably get 4-5 cats for 50 lbs or a dog and a cat or maybe a small dog, two cats and a monkey."

and then this last comment;

"diamonds. Or beef Jerky."

That's right. After quickly answering with diamonds they just as quickly thought it over and decided, no, beef jerky might be just as great as diamonds. I thought that was priceless.

Caught Shoplifting in Costco

It was like any other Tuesday. Well, not like any other Tuesday, as this Tuesday I was venturing on a trip to Costco in Burnaby after work instead of going home. I had played basketball in the morning so I already had my work out for the day....or so I thought.

I entered into Costco and did the first that I always do. I walked straight to the cafeteria and got some food. I strangely did not get a hot dog and opted for the chicken strips. I wouldn't say it was a mistake but the hot dog is always a better choice. I finished my chicken, each one dipped carefully into sweet n' sour sauce and finished about half the fries. I threw the rest away as I realized that I was in Costco without a cart. So back outside into the rain. I think I managed to find at least the wettest and wobbliest cart. This would be perfect.

Commence the Costco Wander...

I pretty much have the same process each time I walk through Costco. I don't really remember where anything is but know that one side has food, one side has other stuff classified as not food, and then the multimedia in the middle. By the "multimedia" I mean the books, magazines, DVDs, CDs, games, toys, clothes, underwear, and socks.

I usually stay on the non-food side, travelling in a straight line, until I each the furthest corner and then start to weave back and forth through the food stuffs until I am back at the front and the gauntlet of cashier line-ups. That is not to stay that I haven't at least made a detour into the multimedia section. As usual I am disappointed in the over priced DVDs. Alright, distraction and needless spending averted, back on track.

First I grab some laundry detergent from the back end of the non-food section and thus beginning my shopping. As I weave through I the rows I start to pick up the essentials. Essentials like a kilogram of cheese, a huge box of instant oatmeal, a crate of mini pizzas, a flat of water, 2 pounds of lunch meat, a case of yogurt, 4 pounds of trail mix, you know, manageably sized items.

In complete shock I turn the corner at the front and realize that the lines for the cashiers were actually not that long. I should have realized that something wasn't right at that point, but maybe, just maybe, this was my lucky day. I put my items on the cashiers automated-Costco-item-moving-belt-thingy. As the sign says I leave my heavy items in the cart. This means that the detergent and the water get to miss out on all the automated movement action.

At this point there are two Costco employees working this one register. One at the back end helping load my cart and calling out the detergent and the water to the one at the front end. This seems like a smooth system. Bing bang boom and I am on my way.

So I head toward what seems like the strangest and easiest job at any Costco. The job where you hold a pen and take peoples receipts and put a stripe on them. I can't imagine this is fulfilling work but must be easy and mindless enough. I hand the young woman my receipt and expect this transaction to happen as smoothly as normal.

These steps include:

a) I say "hello"
b) They say "hello"
c) I hand them the receipt
d) They take the receipt and give a casual look at the cart not really looking at any thing in the cart
e) They mark the receipt with their sharpie, hand it back, and I am on my way

Except this time something goes wrong.

Something I had never encountered before.

Something I wasn't really expecting.

She looks at the cart and looks at the receipt and then turns to me and says, "Did they give you another receipt?"

Filled with panic and in a stuttery voice I say, "Nope. That's the only one they gave me."

This is when things started to go bad. She looked back and me and said that the water wasn't on the receipt. The precious water, the $6 in water was going to end up putting me in the slammer. I wasn't going down for this water with its fancy Kirkland label. It was time for adrenaline to kick in.

I was only about fifteen feet from the exit. The young Costco employee motioned for a supervisor to come over. I looked around. I was surrounded by employees. I only had one chance and this time my boyish good looks weren't going to get me out of this.

I quickly moved to the opposite side of the cart from the young woman. She asked me to just hold on for a moment. I wasn't about to play this game. I wasn't about to be manhandled by the Costco police. In a moment of panic I did the only thing I could think.

In a flash and with the strength of 3 kindergarten students I pushed my cart into the young woman still holding my receipt and made a break from the door running as fast as I could. The woman had turned and hit the emergency switch and the doors quickly thundered down to the ground as alarms sounded. I looked back and saw that I was about to be surrounded. I took off running like a fullback into the non-food section of Costco.

I was quickly followed. I darted back and forth and more and more employees kept rushing toward me. It was like an episode of Scooby Doo where they run in and out of random doors in a hallway away from the Swamp Monster, except insert the Benny Hill Show theme song.

I was left with only one choice as I was trapped in the aisle. I looked up and I started to climb.

I felt it was my only chance. Like Donkey Kong I reached the top of the rack and started to throw stuff down at the Costco Security. I threw whatever I could get my hand on. Unfortunately I think this was the tissue paper rack and the rolls of toilet paper and paper tower seemed to have little success. It was just a matter of time until...

I snapped back into reality and the supervisor came over to the front and they had to fill out an audit form for the cashier that missed the item and I went with the floor supervisor to a an open till to pay for the water. I wasn't in trouble at all. It really was all anti-climatic as I push my cart out of Costco and into the rain to find my car.

Loading my car I thought to myself that maybe those receipt checkers actually do serve a purpose. Although maybe that girl just didn't know how it was supposed to work.

Looking for Advice?

I have realized over the years that I am to go to guy when it comes to relationship advice, especially for my female friends. I guess it is natural to assume that a youngish, average looking, bald guy with little money and a good sense of humour would dispense only the best and most thoughtful advice. While that logic is flawed and probably not the best way to approach looking for good advice I feel I have come through in the clutch more than a couple times.

Now you are probably asking why should I listen to what Duncan has to tell me about relationships?

The answer is simple and usually two fold:

#1) You are probably drunk and don't know any better
#2) I am probably the only other person in the room

Now given that information you are probably wondering really how good my advice is. Well, if I do say so myself, the advice I offer to my friends, family, and drunken party guests usually has mild to luke-warm success. I mean with that sort of track record I am on the fast track to a syndicated talk show. I am really just one 'same-sex-crush-revealed-on-TV-turning-into-a-murder' away from being the next Jenny Jones. I mean she is Canadian, so I have that already going for me.

So now you are probably asking why all the posturing? Well, that is because I am about to reveal the "ULTIMATE GUIDE TO THE PERFECT MATCH FOR WOMEN". I am not sure how many single women read this but this advice is indispensable. Even if you are in a relationship you can use this guide to decide if the person you are with is the one for you.

So, think of a poorly constructed Cosmo Quiz, and here we go!

#1) Could Duncan take them in a fight?

The answer to this question should be yes. Now before you quickly answer without thinking about it keep the following information in mind:

a) I am about 6'1" and currently about 217 lbs
b) I have ran two half marathons this year so I have good to strong endurance
c) I wear glasses so it is bad form for him to punch me in the face
d) I earned a yellow belt in Judo when I was 12 years old
c) If needed I will strike quickly and repeatedly in the groin

Now that you have that information think about your answer. You should be answering yes and the reasoning is; one, you want him to be intimidated by me so he always knows that treating you wrong could bring down the wrath of Duncan, and two, I always want to feel more manly than anyone you are dating. The second one is more to build my own confidence and as a true friend you obviously think that is important.

#2) Are they a vegetarian?

The answer to this should be no. I really feel I shouldn't have to explain why this is important but in short, meat makes the world go round. Catering to a veggie person is hard and time consuming and really too much work for you and all of your friends. Think of all the BBq's you will no longer get invited to or all the French Quarter Meat Draws you will have to miss. It is really a lose/lose.

The other fact is that vegetarians have a cold or at least the sniffles 320 days of the year. That leaves you with 45 days of booger free kissing. Think about it and the limits that puts on your relationship.

#2b) If they are a vegetarian, do they display any other hippie-like tendencies?

This includes constant pot smoking, constant complaining about how life isn't fair, and general malaise, always trying to wussify the current generation by protecting them against losing and failure, glorifying the hard work and dedication of the squeegee people, and they probably have convinced themselves that tofu is edible. All around this is bad news and signs of a miserable long term relationship.

#3) What is their level of sports enjoyment?

This is a tough balance but you want something in the medium-high range but nothing to either extreme. The people in the high range should also be participating in sports as well as being a couch jockey. If they come home each day and start talking about the the Canucks and/or can actually tolerate listening to David Pratt everyday, you are going to have a problem.

The toughest thing is to find a person that is a multi-dimensional sports fan. In Vancouver this would mean finding someone that actually knows that other sports and teams exist other than hockey and the Canucks. If the person you are with has one or a combination of the following traits you may need to think about heading somewhere else:

a) They think game 2 of the Canucks season is as important to watch as a Playoff game
b) They get visibly upset over losses or overly excited about wins during the first 4 months of the season
c) They feel it is necessary to watch every game that is televised
d) They get upset that the sports ticker has the nerve to show NBA or NFL scores
e) They can't make any plans on Saturday nights until after 10pm
f) If they have ever said something along the lines of "basketball is gay"
g) If, at any time you have been intimate, he has shouted "He Shoots, He Scores"
h) He refers to every person in the Canucks line-up by their nick name

These are all signs of someone who invests way too much time watching and thinking about hockey. I understand that it is our duty as Canadians to understand and enjoy the game but there are other sports in the world.

You probably ask why this is important?

Well, it shows they can embrace different ideas and cultures and learn new things. It also means that you can go out to social events and not have the entire conversation surround just hockey. This is especially awkward around people who don't care. Trust me on this.

Ok - I think this is a good starting point and should give you a good idea whether the person you want to date is going to be worth while. Sure, there are other things that are important, like personal hygiene, religious beliefs, life insurance policies, general appearance, and if they are employed or not. I guess those are also important things and I could write a follow-up article on important questions you should cover on the first date but I don't want to overwhelm you. I just want to make sure we get the basics down first.

So in review:

1) Can Duncan beat them up?
2) Are they a vegetarian or a hippie or think life should be fair?
3) Are they hockey crazy?

oh and 4) Do they play trivia based board games or enjoy games such as Settlers of Catan?

The answer to the fourth question should be yes. This is because board games are a) a staple of cheap weekend entertainment, b) can be played drunk or sober and c) create a great social situation.

If your potential boyfriend hates board games they are probably a social outcast and hate talking to other people or are just dumb and don't want to be embarrassed. Both are not great traits for a long term relationship.

Ok - so now it is four important questions. I know that complicates things a bit but, hey, if you need help, I am here for you.

Now go get 'em tiger!!

Another Run Bites the Dust

Well - Another 1/2 Marathon has come and gone. I have to say that this time around I feel really proud of myself but I can't help but think that it would have gone better if I had trained a little better.

This time I ran during training to really just stay in shape rather than really turn on the jets and really try to improve. That being said I still finished in under 2 hours.

I have to feel pretty good about that. I mean how many people in the world can run a 1/2 marathon in under 2 hours. And...how many people in the world that are 227 pounds (weight as of 6:00pm today) could do a half marathon in under 2 hours.

So I bet you are asking what the vitals were and don't worry my little stat head friends as I have them here for you.

Based on the Gun Time I finished in: 1:59:32

Based on the Timing Chip I finished in: 1:57:36

So both are under 2 hours. I feel great about that. It was a scary moment when I turned the last corner and saw the race clock tick to 1:59:00. I can tell you that I mustered every last ounce of energy to run as fast as I could to the finish line. I didn't want to see that clock flip to 2:00:00 without me past the line.

So what does that mean? How did I finish against the rest of the runners?

First I like to say that although there were less people in this race I believe there were more seasoned athletes as a percentage of the whole in this one. I felt like I ran a really good race and I still finished in the last 50%.

I finished 1476th Overall out of 3865 Finishers.

I finished 894th out of 1490 Men.

And finally...

I finished 98th out 136 Men aged 25-29.

Well how fast was I running? I was clocking 8:58min/miles, so about 5:34min/km. I felt this was a good time. I feel during the race my pace between the 5km and 15km markers is what really made the difference for me. I really felt like I was trucking through that part.

So now what...

Well - It is time I set some new goals. I still have a little way to go in this weight loss journey. So here comes the next chapter.

#1) For some stupid reason I am going to do another one of these things. I believe the Vancouver Marathon next May is the next one that I will be doing. I have teased the idea of runner one in Vegas in December but I don't think time is on my side.

The real strange thing is that I actually felt I had fun with this last race. I actually feel like I enjoyed myself. That may have as much to do with the excess of alcohol comsumed after the race than the race itself. I need to say thanks to Blair and Audrey for making this a crazy fun weekend. So really the key is to make the race just part of a great event weekend. Maybe for 2008 I can get half a dozen people in for a 1/2 Marathon trip to Vegas.

Anyways, I digress, my first goal is to somehow finish the 1/2 in under 1:55:00. That means shaving another 2:30 off my new personal best. I think I can do it.

#2) I want to be under 215 by Festivus - which I believe is going to be on the 15th of December this year, mark it on your calendars. I think this is a pretty fair goal. It is going to be close. I have been having trouble getting below the 220 barrier so this is going to be a good motivator.

#3) I want to be in the gym at least twice a week actually doing weights. I think this is actually going to be the toughest of the three goals to keep up with but I am going to give it a whirl. I want to keep this up until the same Festivus date as goal #2.

So that should set it up for now. I haven't blogged for a long time so maybe that should be a goal as well.

Maybe not...

This is the sweaty post-race me.

A Friday of Firsts

Well Friday was a day in the life of me in which I did a lot of things I usually would not do. It will forever in the annuls of time be known as "The Friday of Firsts".

And what better day for it to happen on then on the 1st of the month.

What!?!

It was the 10th of the Month. DAMMIT! That really screws things up.

Anyway, the first....er.....first thing that occurred is that Audrey and I thought of a way to not exercise and skip right to dinner and beer. Ok, that is not a first. I may have actually lost track of the times we have convinced each other not to run or head to gym. The excuses are usually pretty good.

Stuff like:

1) We had a really good workout the day before
2) We are sore and deserve a day of rest
3) I need to head home early cause friends are coming over to drink
4) I am already drunk

I feel these are all valid reason not to exercise. Feel free to use these when necessary.

So Audrey and I and her roommate, Christel, head out for dinner. This is where things get interesting. I went out to have sushi. As a meal. That is all I ate. All you can eat sushi at a place called "Fish on Rice". I told Audrey and Christel just to order what they like and I would try items as required. I have to say that I was very nervous. The food was ordered and started to arrive very quickly. Soup, rolls, fish, chicken wings.

This was it. Sushi was in front of me. I started to cry. Tears are streaming down my face. Christel tried to console me that saying the first time that she had sushi she only gagged a little. This, strangely, did not make me feel any better. Audrey just looked me straight in the eyes and said something that I may never forget.

"Suck it up PRINCESS."

The magic words. A challenge to my testicular fortitude. This is all I needed. I wiped the tears from my face and started to eat. I started easy with avocado rolls, deep fried prawns, edamame beans.

What?

Yes. It is an old Japanese delicacy. Edamame dates back to the time of Wang Chung Dynasty under the iron fist rule of Emperor Susuki Grand Vitara. It was once the primary export of the Osaka Region.

Then it was time for the Tuna and Salmon sashimi. That did scare me. But I was a total trooper. I made it. I tried everything on the table. Ok, not everything. I drew the line at deep fried tofu. I had a suspicion that would have been like eating deep fried ass so I stayed away.

So we left the Sushi place and the rest of the night of firsts was on the way. My company for dinner invited me out for the evening. I thought about this briefly. Thoughts of lying on the couch at home alone for another Friday was very tempting but I decided I should try and get out and socialize a little more. So we started drinking beer at their place. Then they asked if I would like to go to Big Star. I responded gleefully, "What the HELL is Big Star?"

Apparently it is a country bar on Kingsway. I had never heard of this place and so this would be another first. After a couple shots of something creamy and I think strawberryish we heading to the bar. The rest of the night involved several more beers and more shots. By the end of the night, about 2:10am, I had a couple thoughts.

1) I am really drunk and this could start to go badly
2) I think I hurt my back dancing to "Jump Around" by House of Pain.
3) I think I am about to have a shot of tequila. I see a lime. I see what I think is tequila. I decide not to ask and just drink it back instead.

This is the point where I really decided that my beer and I have an amicable break up. In order to do this I set my beer on the table and then sat on a bench about 8 feet away. Just out of arms length. This accomplished two things. First, I wasn't drinking for a moment. Two, my back really loved it. WEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! What! Another shot? WEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! Down the hatch.

About 5 minutes later the house lights come up. All 17 people in the bar, including the 6 of us, leave.

Here is interesting thing about the Big Star. I had never heard of it. Not even hinted of. In the span of a weekend and had attended said location and then my teammates at baseball said they went the next night. From zero knowledge to two references in one weekend. That is simply, to quote James Lipton, scrumtrilescent.

The rest of night involved a stop at A&W and the trip back to Audrey and Christel's place containing a couch with my name on it. I managed to keep things together, felt I had a really good time, met some pretty cool people, and finally went to bed around 5:00am. I had almost been up for 24 hours. No wonder I was completely out of it. No wonder that bench at the bar called my name like the Sirens to the Greek sailors. It was like univerity all over again.

I don't have any pictures but I have an artist's rendition of what part of the night looked like. The art is a little rough but it was something close to this:

New Running Shoes

They are called Adidas Response Ultra. They didn't break the bank and are pretty similar to my old runners. I look forward to breaking them in.

Milestone

Since March 25th I have ran 250 Km with my iPod Chip. That is pretty good. ATB, Lola, and I are starting a running Challenge for the next 70 Days to see how much we can run and it will serve as a good training for the next 1/2 Marathon.

Time to get back to it.

Diary of a Home Run Derby

I thought I would sit down and watch the Home Run Derby and take some notes as I watched. Sort of Bill Simmons style. It really was not as interesting as I hoped but here we go!!

2007 Home Run Derby from AT&T Park in San Francisco Sponsored by Taco Bell and State Farm and Balco...what Barry Bonds is not in it, or Giambi, or Marion Jones...Ok, so Balco dropped their sponsorship.

7:03pm: The Counting Crows are on Stage to start the night. I always thought nothing would get me fired up like the Counting Crows. Actually, I thought the Counting Crows were dead. I at least now know that hippie dread locks do not hide male pattern baldness. The seas are parting up there Adam Duritz. They are surrounded by a lot of smoke from the fire works and I think that must be difficult for them to keep singing cough free. 3 seconds later I realize they are probably used to being surrounded in smoke.

7:05pm: The big opening for the derby is surrounded on the chance of balls being hit into the water and how great that would be for this year. Hey ESPN. Remember Pittsburgh last year. Yeah. They had a river several Home Runs landed in last year. News Flash: Rivers are made of WATER!!

7:07pm: Justin Morneau is introduced. Good BC boy. I wonder if this competition is a good idea with a bruised lung. I would have thought about resting it. Must be fine then.

7:08pm: Chris Berman introduced Albert Pujols as Winnie the Pujols. I can't believe how weak that was. Even for Chris Berman.

7:09pm: Prince Fielder is my pick to win the whole thing and is going hit some huge bombs along the way. I just have a soft spot for him because of his Big Daddy Cecil. There is a lot of really young big boppers in the game today.

7:10pm: Willie McCovey looks pretty good for just being a little shy of 70 years old. Those old knees of his are toast though. This leads up to one of the most awkward pre-game presentations. It didn't look like anyone knew what was supposed to happen. They should have rehersed this. Or at least talk about it before they did it.

7:14pm: Dusty "Leisure Suit Larry" Baker will be in the booth tonight. That is a pretty awful suit. I hate to say it but Baker was a pitcher killer. Prior and Woods never stood a chance.

7:15pm: ESPN Analyst Kenny Mayne is in McCovey Cove. Someone mentions he is being pushed toward some "Giant Balls". That is enough said. I really think that many drunk people in kayaks may not be the best idea.

7:17pm: Dusty Baker picks Prince Fielder to win. Well, I'm screwed.

7:18pm: Well it only took 18 minutes for the booth to mention that Pujols is mired in a homerun drought. Listen idiots. Pujols is hitting almost .400 since his last homerun. It is not like Pujols is an all or nothing hitter. Lay off him.

7:19pm: Peter Gammons - A real legend and looks great for a guy that had an aneurysm just over a year ago.

7:20pm: Rules are on the screen. A laymans translation. Make sure this lasts as close to 3 hours as possible.

7:21pm: Justin Morneau is first. I hope he can shake the Canadian Curse. Walker has done alright in the past but Jason Bay was shut out is his only HR Derby appearance. First HR for Morneau goes to the deepest part of the park. This is a pretty big park and at sea level. Justin hits 4 HR. I don't think that will cut it.

7:27pm: It seems a little strange that TSN is not using the feed of their sister station, ESPN, and showing the derby rather than SportsNet. Oh well. Side Note: ESPN's Studio Analysts have to stay in Connecticut because ESPN broke an All-Star Roster embargo agreement they had with MLB that said TBS could released the official rosters first. Whoops!!

7:30pm: Matt Holliday is up now. Berman breaks out a "National Holliday" reference. This is no better. Maybe I have matured past Berman's antics. On one of Holliday's swing he smokes the catcher on the backswing in the helmet. This was awesome and the announcers say nothing. Holliday fizzles out after a couple bombs. He hits five total. It doesn't look good for Morneau.

I really love the slow motion replays of the contact. I once had a golf teacher try and tell me that the golf swing and the baseball swing were very similar. I still laugh at that. Show me a golfer that has his hips totally open like a ball player does. Trust me. They do not mix.

7:34pm: Barry Bonds is getting interviewed by Peter Gammons. This is such a PR move by Bonds and his agent. Bonds trys to say that the homerun record is not on his mind. I call bullcorn. That is the only reason he came back. Gammons hits him with a round-a-bout steroids reference cleverly comaflouging it as a "Are you surprised by how the fans treat you?" question. Just beautiful.

7:36pm: Magglio Ordonez was hitting during the Bonds interview. He hit less than 4. Morneau still has a chance.

7:45pm: Albert Pujols is next. Instead of focusing on one of the greatest hitters in the game tonight we get to focus on an interview with Alex Rodriguez. Pujols, by the end of his career may be the greatest player to ever play the game and instead we get an interview with a disinterested A-Rod. Nice work ESPN. Pujol's hands look a little loose in the swing and is not driving through like he can. Pujols finishes with 4 HR's. Justin is still hanging on.

7:52PM: Some Blue Jay pride. I love Alex Rios but he is not built for a HR Derby. I predicts he may out up with a doughnut here. First pitch he puts out. I lost that bet. Alex's swing looks nice and compact. He is not trying to do too much. It is really a great approach. He knocks out 5. Justin's chances are getting slimmer with some big bats coming up.

At this point I am starting to wonder, with the game in San Fran and the McCovey Cove splash down that more lefties are not in the competition. Then I remember that Griffey and Bonds declined. There are two lefties right there.

8:04pm: My boy Prince Fielder is up. Look for some fire works. First swing and he looks a little amped up. That is not a good sign. He is trying too hard. He pops one up to deep right. A ball girl in the outfield almost wears it in the head as it lands right at her feet and though her legs. Why wasn't she paying attention. Prince only manages 3 HR's. My pick is out. Thanks a lot Dusty Baker and your stupid leisure suit.

8:11pm: Vladimir Guerrero Time!! Seeing him and his big out of control swings makes me long for the Expos. Ortiz stops him mid-at-bat and brings out a bat in a wood case. References to the Natural and Wonderboy fly around like Black Flys in Northern Ontario. Vlad has the most unorthadox, crazy swing in baseball but is the best bad ball hitter in baseball. You can't pitch around hit because he can go yard from any where. Vald hits 5. Morneau may be out of luck.

8:25pm: Last years Champ is up. This guys will bring some excitement. He peppered the River last year. McCovey Cove doesn't stand a chance. Zero for the first 6. Go Morneau Go!! 1 HR. Just a sneaky one over the wall. 8 Outs. 2nd HR. That was THUMPED! 9 outs with a liner off the wall. 3rd HR is pretty damn BIG! 10 Outs. Morneau is alive.

It is a good old fanshioned swing off. Morneau vs. Pujols. It is a moral dilemma. The BC boy vs. my favorite player. I guess this is a win-win situation for me. Morneau hits 1 HR and it was awesome. It sailed over the stands in right centre field and nails a cameraman in the head on the platform. Again the annoucers don't say anything. They miss all the good stuff.

Pujols goes 2 for his first 2 and ends the drama.

Round 2 starts and not a lefty bat in the bunch. I guess renting that Kayak for the cove really paid off. Good thing they are drunk. Kenny Mayne looks visably frustrated and is leaving for the left field stands. Only two balls went into the cove and both were foul.

8:41pm - Matt Holliday starts round 2. He mashes a whole bunch of those pitches. The crowd is starting to wake up a little bit.

8:50pm - I am truly surprised. Alex Rios hits a total groove and takes the outright lead going yard 12 times in round two. I am totally impressed. The swing looks great.

9:05pm - Vlad is up. I am now calling him Crazy Swing Magee. Round two is completely different than round 1 as balls are flying out all over the place (That's what she said). Vlad swings like he is trying to put out his back. He hit his 13th to eliminate Matt Holliday. A guy that looks like Dennis Martinez catches the ball. That was Vlad's last one. With that Rios has secured a place in the finals. ESPN is panicing to find information about Rios. The best the have is, "We don't know anything about him playing in Toronto". That is code for, "He doesn't play in Boston, New York, Chicago, LA, or is Barry Bonds, so we don't really care."

9:23pm - Pujols needs to hit 9 this round to force a swing off. He has 6 HR with 9 outs. Hits 1 HR. Hits another HR. Just one more to tie. The pitch. That was the swing. I cheer and yell, "That's out of here!". I was wrong. It lands on the warning track. Oh well.

It is an all American League Final. Rios vs. Vlad. Sweet Smooth Swing vs. Eratic Crazy Swing.

9:40pm - Rios looks tired and the swing is starting to look laboured. He only hits two. Both are pretty big. Vlad, Crazy Swing Magee, hits three with outs to spare. I realize it is 9:55pm. I am saddened that I have sat on the couch for close to three hours straight. I also ate an entire wheel of cheese but I am more impressed about that. BAXTER!!!